Monday, October 22, 2007

Morbidity

These are uncomfortable thoughts to have in my head; even more uncomfortable to discuss, but I have to dump them somewhere. It's perilously close to whining--can't help that, it is what it is.

See, I have marquees in my head. Always scrolling along the back of my brain, mostly quiet but always there. They're like black electronic boards with bright white thoughts playing and replaying endlessly. Do you have those?

I can't help what I think about. I have yet to master the art of shutting some thoughts out of my head. These particular uncomfortabilities (no, I don't think that's really a word, but I don't care) are abhorrent to some people...they say things like oh, you musn't think that way! and dearie me, how can you have such dark thoughts! and be positive! Think happy thoughts!
Easier said than done, pal, especially when a person has a low 'cheeriness' threshold and a high bitch factor.

My marquees are stacked three high, with their disturbing messages that I can usually ignore to some extent, but I can't make them not be there.

I do not want to outlive my children.
But I do not want my daughter to be the one to find me when I die.
And what will happen to my son? Will his father put him in a home, an institution?

I want to see my children grow up, but I want to die long before either of them--which tears me, because my son's "life-span" will most likely be shortened due to his extreme disabilities. Living with that knowledge...well, it hurts every day. Don't get me wrong, I never stop hoping and praying and believing...but still.

I want my children to live long, healthy, happy lives...I want to be around to see it happen.

Then I think horrible, horrible things like--what if I die while the kids are at school? And my daughter is waiting and waiting for me to pick her up and I never show? And the bus comes with my son and no-one exits the house to get him?
What if my daughter is at her father's or her grandma's for the weekend and I'm home alone with my son when it happens? No one would know ALL WEEKEND.

Yes yes yes, I know how stupid it is to play the 'what if' game. I know. I get it.
Doesn't stop me from doing it, though. So no need to lecture me, okay?

I know lots of parents have sort of the same fears and concerns. I wonder if mine are more...developed...because I'm just one parent and there is no Hubby Dear to cover for me. I wonder if other single parents have these things on their minds all the time. The thoughts get especially loud whenever I have a pain in my chest or a weird, abnormal ache somewhere it shouldn't be.

Scary.
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