What I'd like to say on Facebook.

1. Why, in the name of ALL that is holy, would you think that anyone gives two shits how many emails you
   a) have received
   b) deleted
   c) still have in your inbox
??????????

2. That food plate you posted makes me want to ask "DO we, or HAVE we?" (figure it out)
    Or to be more blunt - it looks disgusting and sort of haggis-y.
    Also? Please do NOT invite me over for dinner. Ever.

3. You're not as funny as you think you are. Seriously. Really. REALLY REALLY.
    Unless of course I'm mixing up "funny" and "annoyingly ridiculous". Because in that case, you ARE.

4. Don't be whining about how "hard" you have it or how "broke" you are when you are always gallivanting
    around going to cocktail parties and concerts and fancy vacations and spas and trips hither and yon.
 

5. No one cares what you're vague-booking about. They really don't. Especially me.

Seriously, stop douching up facebook. That's what twitter is for.