Flying The Friendly Skies

Okay, the last post was about Amtrak and my trip TO Chicago for BlogHer 09. THIS one is about my trip HOME from Chicago -- I'm saving the In-Between until some of the furor dies down; everyone is doing recaps and frankly I HAVE THINGS TO SAY and I don't want them to get lost in everyone else's bitching because you KNOW that MY bitching takes precedence because let's face it, I have the experience as a Professional Bitcher. Look, it's MY BLOG NAME for crap's sake.
ANYWAY.

Just wanted to give a quick shout out to Northwest Airlines for making my trip home from Chicago a most excellent one--especially since this was my first time on Northwest.

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**DISCLAIMER: No one at Northwest Airlines has paid me in goods or actual money to say nice things, this is just KUDOS FOR A GREAT CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE and FOR ALL I KNOW they do not want me to associate myself with them.

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Also does it count as joining the Mile High club if you only have your B.O.B.?
I'm just asking.
For research purposes.
Yeah.

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So I go to O'Hare almost 3 hours before my flight, because I shared a cab with these two crazy ladies (HI FabGirl's mom!)...and when I got to the counter the lady said that my flight was in DELAYED status.
No problemo, though, she got me on an earlier flight.
And when I got to the boarding area, I noticed something even more important:

UPGRADED TO FIRST CLASS.

So maybe that's not a big deal for you. Maybe you only fly first class.
But for me? MY FIRST TIME.
It was EXCITING! I felt a little like a celebrity.
Naturally I was a total tyrant and ordered the flight attendants around, but I could tell they REALLY truly liked their nicknames HEY GIRL and YOU THERE.

I was pampered with hot towels, free drinks, tons of leg room, FINALLY enough seat room for my wide-load ass, and a delish Cobb salad for lunch. I SO wanted to hold up my tray and look around the divider curtain and go HAHAHA IN YOUR FACE COACH LOSERS!

AND.
Our attendant, Jerome Miller, was THE SHIZZZZZ. He was so cute and sweet and attentive and NICE, I wanted to just take him home with me.

(HI JEROME!!!)

Also he appreciated my good attitude (SHUT UP I CAN BE NICE WHEN I WANT TO I JUST CHOOSE NOT TO MOST OF THE TIME)(Also sorry if that caused you to have a small stroke but I SWEAR I was being on My Best Behavior).
Also ALSO I sat next to this guy who was a pilot for that airline and MAN OH MAN did he have the SEXIEST ARMS EVAR. He was quite handsome.
And has a girlfriend which sucked and had I known that in the beginning I would totally not have spent so much time talking to him.
KIDDING.
He was nice. And funny. And smart.

And the guy sitting in front of me was ALSO a pilot - I was all DID THEY BRING SPARES? WHAT? - and he was SUCH a Silver Fox.

Northwest Airlines definitely has the yummiest pilots I've ever seen.
Too bad I didn't get a peek into the cock...pit.
Is all I'm saying.

HEY DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, *I'M* NOT THE ONE WHO CAME UP WITH THE NAME.

I only like kids when they're funny.

My Mom (to my 2-year-old niece): "Quit digging in your butt."
Niece: "There's something in there."
My Mom: "Something in your butt?"
Niece: "Yeah"
My Mom: "What is it?"
Niece: "Prolly panties."

And it was.

Tweets I'd Have Tweeted If Amtrak Had Wifi...

...or Observations From An Amtrak Virgin.

first of all, CHICAGO BABY!
I was lucky enough to work as a volunteer at BlogHer this year, and I decided to take the train from Dallas to Chicago. 22 hours on a train - with no-one asking me for food or drink or play time or 'where's my pink shirt?' or 'Can I go.....'?
Actually for the most part it was pretty awesome.
Except for the crying babies.
And bratty kids.
And the chick who actually PICKED UP A DUDE on the train and spent all night talking and playing kissy-face with him in the seat next to me (NO I am not jealous at ALL so SHUT IT). Of course the next day by the time we arrived in Chicago he was sort of over it-- she was asking to see his driver's license and he was all "why you gotta ask such personal questions?"
Sometimes Strangers on A Train should stay that way.

BIG EPIC AMTRAK FAIL: No wi-fi.
HOW is that even possible in this day and age?
So I HAND WROTE IN A REAL PAPER JOURNAL (which is very gorgeous, by the way, deep red and a buttery soft suede-y cover and also a fabulous gift from the delightful de-lovely Mamacita)
"Things I Would Have Tweeted If Amtrak Had Wi-Fi".


I look and smell as though I slept on a train... you know, like a hobo.

Sorry, I mean home- and transportationally-challenged.

OH: this is like a circus train!
(well yeah, now that you've come aboard)

Also, lot of crazy people wave at trains.

Sorry, I mean sanity-challenged people.

I'm pretty sure this one couple had sex in the bathroom. What do you call that, the Mile Marker Club?

The amtrak employees on this trip are full of sigh.

Actually I think that Amtrak employees are more disgruntled than airline employees.

Perhaps the Amtrak employees are failed Stewardii.
Sorry, I meant Flight Attendants.

The observation car has really huge windows that are PERFECT for mooning people as they sit at the railroad crossings. Is all I'm saying.

OH: Boy: "Where are we?"
Grandma: "Lincoln, Illinois"
Boy: "Grandpa where are we?"
Grandpa: "LINCOLN, Illinois, now sssshhh."
Boy: "Where is this?"
ME: LINCOLN ILLINOIS YOU LITTLE BASTARD and WHY DO YOU CARE NOW SHUT UP!
(Okay, the last part was only in my head but I ALMOST said it out loud)

On a train, everyone walks like a drunk. Makes it harder to pick out my mark.

Thinking of having a t-shirt made that says "They're just fat, not fake" across the boobs.

Helpful Hints From Monty

Dear Men,

We girls do NOT (NOT! NOT! NOT!) like it when you're drama-queenier* than we are.
Is all I'm saying.

*unless of course you're gay in which case it is not only ALLOWED but also EXPECTED and even ENCOURAGED because then it's fun and we can bitch about stuff together but I mean straight guys who are boyfriends/husbands/insignificant others

Sincerely,
Single-For-Good-Reasons Monty

Almost Famous

I HAVE BEEN IMMORTALIZED, BITCHES.
Last year I did a review on this book, and guess what? I AM NOW A BLURB! (okay, the picture sucks, but my camera batteries were dead & I had to take it with the phone BUT SO WHAT IT SAYS MY BLOG NAME!)
Stay tuned for another Elin Hilderbrand review on The Castaways - coming soon!




And if you'll look closely at the third from the left on the third row, you will see the top half of my face ON.THE.COVER.
That's right, I am a Cover Girl.
Don't hate me because I am forever in laminate.
THANK YOU @TeeMonster, my Podcast Beefcake.

HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, HMMM?

Is there a rosary for that?

Forgive me blogfather, for I have sinned...
it's been TWO MONTHS since I even opened Bloglines and longer still since I've left comments.

What sort of penance do I deserve?
Also, I'm not Catholic so be gentle.

Git-tar HERO

If you know me at all, you know I love my music. I love it so much that I rock it out every Friday night on my very own fake radio show.

It was the worst twist of fate that as much as I love music, as much as I live it and need it and feel it and immerse myself in it... I have ZERO MUSICAL TALENT.
I cannot read music.
I cannot play any instrument.
I cannot sing. Well, I can, but the results are not good.

But thanks to Mom Central and Guitar Hero and Nintendo DS... I CAN BE A ROCK STAR.

OH I know, I was already a RAWK STAR, thankyouverymuch. But this game is freaking AWESOME! I have a HUGE (eff off Paris, you utter twit, I can say HUGE if I want to) fan base and there's a cool Fan Request mode. You can FACE OFF against the game to win more fans. There are guitar duels in which you have to blow into the microphone to "cool" the fire, fix broken strings, & more challenges.

This particular game is the "MODERN HITS"... well, again, if you know me at all you know that I love my 70s & 80s music, my classic rock, my oldies... but surprisingly some of my favorites from Finger Eleven, Fall Out Boy & Modest Mouse were on the set list.
It comes with a "pick" stylus and an insert with the fret buttons.

If I have one complaint it is that insert does NOT always stay in securely when you have your hand through the "convenient" adjustable velcro strap -- several times I was TOTALLY rocking out and the game went BLANK and then gave me an error message because apparently the fret thingy had slipped out a little bit.
That was a large pain in my large ass.
BUT I eventually figured out that if I did NOT use the strap, the keys were less likely to come out.
Because seriously, you have to rock your whole body. And dance. And sing if you know the words.

I LOVE THIS GAME.
I've already decided to get my daughter one of the other Guitar Hero Tours so that *I* can play it when Christmas rolls around this year.

I LOVE THIS GAME.
Did I say that already?