Saturday, July 29, 2006

8 of 48

Sorry, another re-run, but I'm getting lunch ready for the kids.

Having used the online personal ads myself (shut up, I'm not ashamed to admit it), I've discovered that people are SUCH liars. In my archives you'll find a whole rant about that~~special emphasis on men lying about their height and women lying about their weight.
I've decided that if I should create a new personal ad, I'm going to be honest. I mean totally, completely, unequivocally honest. I wonder how many responses I'd get to this:

Divorced mother of 9 year old twins, exhausted from doing everything myself. Work full time at a thankless, unglamorous job. Don't care much for the public at this point in my life. Need a break, need some romance, need pampering. I'm a lousy housekeeper; I've usually got a sink full of dirty dishes, and I'm too lazy to care much.
Frequently moody and temperamental. Intolerant of ignorance and excuses. Pushy, bossy, and not willing to go out of my way to make any of you idiot men happy at this point in my life. Take me as I am, or go away. You can effing work on making ME happy.
If you're under 30, over 45, or married (this includes being SEPARATED), DON'T FUCKING BOTHER~~I will not respond to you. If you suffer from 'chronic lateness', I will not respond to you. Timeliness is next to Godliness.
If you're really ugly (like SCARY ugly), I probably won't respond to you then either unless you've got somethin' REALLY extra-special to say on your profile.
Yes, I'm totally shallow that way.
If you use any form of chatspeak, I will not respond. If you think 'cuddlen' is the correct way to spell CUDDLING, I will not respond. In fact, if you have more than 3 misspellings in your profile, I will not respond.
If your profile is dull, uninformative, stupid, or makes any reference to SEX at all, I will not respond.
Have I just eliminated 98% of you? Ask me if I care. You stupid bastards are more trouble than you're worth anyway.
So...piss off.

I'll bet there's some sicko out there who'll STILL send a response.


I would like to invent a StairMaster that simulated walking down the stairs.

I wonder if anesthesiologists would mind being referred to as 'gas-passers'?

Self-importance is first cousin to paranoia.

Other people's words that I wish I'd've said first:

Punditry is nothing more than fatuous prigs reciting the same nonsense so many times that they come to believe it.

Some people see the donut, some see the hole.

No good deed goes unpunished.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

You can get straight A's and still flunk life.
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