Sunday, July 30, 2006

Afternoon, everybody!

I have THREE NEW SPONSORS...and just as soon as they verify their donations, I will be at a grand total of...
...wait for it...

Can you believe it? THANK YOU SO MUCH! Now all you have to do is click those CONFIRMATION EMAILS.

Thank you thank you thank you!! :)

Reader's Digest Condensed Version

If you don't see me for a couple of days, remember that I just posted about 7 weeks worth of crap all in one day and night.
You've got PLENTY to read.
And Comment On.

A brief summation of the last 24 hours (this does not excuse you from reading the rest):

I have decided to marry MAMACITA'S son. She and I will watch Disney movies and drool over our British fellas together every day.

There was dancing.
And jumping jacks.

And running nekkid around the house.

There was singing.

THUMPER won an iTunes Gift Card in a random drawing.

There was nonsense.
There were some summer re-runs.

There was some shitty poetry.

There were gorgeous pictures of my handsome son.

There was much love, much companionship, and new friend making.

I had a blast.

All in all, a fabulously successful 24 hours.

Thank you, one and all.


A world of gratitude

HUGE THANK YOUS to all my wonderful sponsors. You helped make this happen. I couldn't have done it without you.
HUGE THANK YOUS to all you fabulous, crazy blogathonners, who helped keep me awake and energetic, so that I could go on. I couldn't have done it without you.
HUGE THANK YOUS to everyone who publicized this event and sent YOUR friends over to help out. I couldn't have done it without you.
HUGE THANK YOUS to all my friends, I adore you, and I'm so glad to have you in my life, even if it's mostly just over the internet. I still know you. I still love you. I couldn't get through my days without you all.

Once again, making a final appearance for the Blogathon, is my reason for participating, my reason for choosing United Cerebral Palsy, and one of my reasons for living:


You can still PLEDGE A DONATION for another 24-48 hours, I believe. Won't you please?
Look at that face.
Can you possibly say no to that?

I will have a final post at 8am, exactly 24 hours from whence I began.


Ha, I knew that would get your attention.


(did I mention that PERVS RULE!?)

But I had to take a shower just now because I was afraid I wouldn't make the final push.
However, the end is in sight and the brass ring is almost within my grasp.
Only TWO MORE POSTS to go!

I wish I had something deep, beautiful, and/or profound to leave you with...

...but I'm pretty sure you all know me better than that. There's more profane than profound in this neck of the woods.

What am I forgetting? Can't....think...


Probably I won't be able to go to sleep when I'm done here.
Probably that will make me crazier.
Probably no one will really notice.


Could someone run a nicely toasted bagel with cream cheese over to WebKittyn?
Thanks. That'd be great.
I'd do it, but I have to go oil wrestle that wench Debi.

Jeckles' sweet wife just made him breakfast, and he didn't even share. :(

Will someone come & fix me breakfast? Because that would be cool. And the CrackHouse isn't open just yet to give me a delicious bacon/egg/cheese burrito.

And now the moment you've been waiting for...
the Drawing Of The Gift Card.

And the winner is....


That can't be right.
Couldn't read my own handwriting.

The winner is THUMPER!

Congrats, Thumper!

Nothing to see here.

I can do this.

OH SHIT, I forgot to draw for an iTunes Gift Card.
I'll put the sponsor names in a hat and draw in the next half hour.

I wish I had OnStar so I could do something stupid and call in and get to be on a radio commercial TELLING everyone how stupid I was.

If you've ever spoken to me in person (or on the phone), you know I suffer from a rare disease called Interruptitis.

I usually interrupt people right up front to tell them that.

But now I even interrupt myself.
I wonder what kind of treatment there is for that?

Please God, let my children sleep late.

A Love Letter. Of sorts.

Okay, the LAST repeat (for awhile. I can't help it my brain has turned to oatmeal with cream and brown sugar and I can't think of anything new)

My darling,

Well, it has been a long and wonderful run. These many years together seem like, well, many years. I remember when I first saw you...the time we spent together. The excitement that would build; the tension that strung our nerves so tightly. I remember the arguments, the love, the laughter, the sex. OH yeah.
It was steamy, it was complicated, it was ever-changing. It changed so much that sometimes I didn't even recognize you. But we persevered, you and I...on and on and on.
This is hard for me to say, but, the last 3 or 4 years I think the luster has...disappeared. I think we have outlived our usefulness together. The same old arguments, the same well-worn and well-used conversations and situations...I don't feel the new anymore. I'm so sorry.
You know it's true that I have rarely even bothered to see you at all the last couple-three years, except by chance. And unfortunately, it just wasn't the same for me anymore. You leave me with that not-so-fresh feeling.
I'm sorry.

Goodbye, ER.

I've moved on.
I have a new love now...
HELLO Grey's Anatomy.

Meme, anyone?

Yes yes, sorry for yet another repeat, but I was listening to Jeckles and got tickled at him and kept forgetting to post.
And to add insult to injury...
not only is this a re-run, but it is a Meme.

What's on my shelf?

1. You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?

First I have to say that I haven't read this book since about 7th grade...I'm a little vague on the details. However, if I had to choose a book to memorize...I would be known as in The Diary of Anne Frank. It is a story that ought to never be forgotten. Ever.

2. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Of course! In fact, up until I was 7 years old, I was completely convinced that someday I would marry Underdog. And naturally I've had a crush on the hero of every romance novel I've ever read...especially those Scottish Lairds...*sigh* Oh, and Luke from Gilmore Girls, played by (yummy) actor Scott Patterson.

3. The last book you bought is:

I think the last one was The Conspiracy Club by Jonathan Kellerman.
It has been entirely too long since I went book-shopping.

4. The last book you read:

The last book was a RE-read...The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower by Stephen King. I loves me some SK. Any time, any place, over & over. (ha! I'm currently RE re-reading it, in real time)

5. What are you currently reading?

I have three books in various stages of completion next to my bed...Dean Koontz's Frankenstein: Prodigal Son, The Last Best Hope by Ed McBain, and an old favorite, Swan Song, by Robert R. McCammon

6. Five books you would take to a deserted island…and why?

Could I count a set of Encyclopedias as one book? No? Then...
First and foremost:
The Sas Survival Handbook: How to Survive in the Wild, in Any Climate, on Land or at Sea by John Wiseman. Need I state the obvious reason?

2. Like many other people, I'd take along a Bible...I'd choose the NIV (New International Version)~much easier to make sense of. I figure that finding time to (finally) read it and do some soul searching wouldn't be much of a problem...

3. I'd take The Oscar Wilde Anthology, because I'd need to laugh to keep my sanity. That dude was nuts...but funny.

4. The Stand: Expanded Edition: For the First Time Complete and Uncut by Stephen King...because
A)It's really, really thick, and
B)I've read it so many times already, I know I'll enjoy it.

5. And finally, Works of Mark Twain, Complete and Unabridged...because who needs an excuse to read Samuel L. Clemens?

I was going to bring The Complete Unabridged Works of Shakespeare...but it appears that everyone else is already taking that to their deserted islands, and there weren't any copies left. Typical.

7. What 3 bloggers are you going to pass the stick to, and why?
You mean I'm not supposed to actually hit them with the stick? That takes all the fun out of it.
So I'm passing it to all the other bibliophiles out there...go forth, and read.

"I'd hate to be that guy Will...people are always firing at him."~~aka_monty
(I'm sure I'm not the only person to ever say that)(but I couldn't remember ever reading or hearing it before)

And Now For Something Completely Different.

Another repeat...shut up, you haven't seen it before.

Some favorite lines from some favorite movies.
Can you name any of them?
**any mistakes are solely the responsibility of this author's faulty memory

"She turned me into a newt!"
"I got better..."

"Alex & I made love the night before he was FANtastic."
"He went out with a bang, not a whimper."

"Killin' is my BIZness, ladies, and BIZness is GOOD!"

"Tit-head, go with my father."

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed."

"He's harmless. Part of the free speech movement at Berkeley in the 60s. I think he did a little too much LDS."

"Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."

"I just hate you and I hate your ass face."

"If he gets up, we'll all get up! It'll be anarchy!"

"Look how she moves! That's just like Jell-O on springs."


Monty on: Being Easily Distracted (I'm certain it is a medical condition)

So, I'm making some hamburgers, right?
There are two open containers on the counter where I am working...
One is Cain's Coffee Creme.
The other is Lowry's Seasoned Salt.

Guess which one ended up on my burger? *sigh*


Debi is trying to steal one of my pretend boyfriends.

But I have to tell you that once they're in The Stable, there's no gettin' out.

There is a squished spider on my wall.
I think I'm leaving it there.


Thank you.

Some crap.

Did you know that a bite of popcorn with a bite of Hershey bar is quite delicious and lovely?
Now you do.

And another re-run, for your...pleasure?

True Confessions or "Things You Now Know About Me That You Wish You Didn't"

1. I have been known to put the ice tray back in the freezer with one single ice cube in it.

2. When someone has called me to say, "Hey, we're about 10 minutes from your house, mind if we stop by?", I have occasionally played the Hide The Stuff game...including dirty dishes, dirty clothes, unfolded laundry, toys, books, and/or shoes.

3. I have watched porn...alone.

4. I have watched porn...with a partner.

5. I will not eat out of a package of lunchmeat after it has been open more than one day.

6. I like to eat bananas spread with miracle whip and cheddar cheese.

7. I have used my (considerable) feminine wiles to manipulate men.

8. I have caused a scene in public.

9. I have cried and/or flirted to get out of a traffic ticket.

and finally...
10. I once went more than 6 months without shaving my legs.

Doesn't everything sound prettier with an accent?

Holy smokes, it's another re-run. Just like every night of the week on TV.
Originally posted in April 05
Actually the next couple posts might also be re-runs from last was a pretty good month.

Top 5 "Designer Imposter" fragrances that you probably won't find at your friendly neighborhood drugstore...

1. Flatulencìa
Slightly sulfurous, with a top note of ass.
Perfect for a night of beer and boiled eggs.

2. Au Naturellix
Somewhat earthy, with an undertone of B.O.
Preferred by ladies who don't shave their pits.
not ME, it was my LEGS I didn't shave

3. Moisivert
Dark and mysterious...a versatile scent.
Nicely complements cleaning refrigerators and breadboxes.
When taken internally can cure gonorrhea.

4. Piedsueur
A greenish-type fragrance with the tang of cheese.
Good for athletic types.

5. Jet de Bogue
Zesty lemon with a middle note of Raid.
Nice for evenings in small, dark spaces, or outdoor summer nights when you're out of citronella.

To order, please send $29.95 +$5.00 S&H.
Hurry! If you're one of our first 100 callers, you will receive NOT ONE but TWO bottles of your favorite scent! That's right, a second bottle absolutely free!.
Plus, if you order now, we'll throw in the instructional video "How to wear Parfum" at no additional charge! That's a $30 value right there!
So call us in the next 10 minutes, and you'll get two bottles of parfum PLUS the bonus instructional video sent right to your door~~that's a nearly $90 value for the LOW LOW price of only $29.95!
Don't let this opportunity slip away~~ORDER NOW WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!


Do you think I've been watching too many infomercials?

Once more, with feeling...

Another reminder why I am STILL UP and STILL BLOGGING:


That's my sweet guy at about 6 or 7 months old.

Find a charity that you believe in, that makes you want to help.
Donate a couple bucks.

Come on. You can do it. You know you want to.


Okay, Must Love Dogs.
Maybe not an Academy Award winner...
...but sweet. VERY sweet.

Now, WHERE is my John Cusack?
Where is my Joaquin Phoenix from The Village?

The scenes where their hands meet...
The scene on the front porch...


JECKLES is on air...come and tune in with me!

What the hell?

CRAP I just now remembered that I was supposed to call one of my friends back about seven hours ago.

Did I mention that I am a terrible, terrible friend?

I surfed no less than THREE blogs in the last two hours who's owners claim to be auto-didactic...and have degrees.

Do I just not know what that word means? Because I would think they were...oxymoronic. Or something.

You'll be pleased to know I went with the ice cream.
But the popcorn is still under consideration.

Because that's how I roll.

Cheesy pick-up lines (boys, do NOT try these at home. Or at a bar. Or anywhere, really):

If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

When God made you, he was showing off.

It's not my fault I fell in love, you're the one who tripped me!

You have been very naughty! Go to my room!

Are you a surgeon? Cause you've just took my heart away!

Now ladies, here's one I've used with some success:

You know, I've heard that oral sex is illegal in Oklahoma. Feel like breakin' the law?"

Is all I'm sayin'.

It's about the thievery.

Yes, I have sunk so low...
I'm stealing stuff.

sue me.
You know you want to steal stuff too.
I'm currently stealing from SnarkyPants.

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a tempered, reasonable way of thinking.
You tend to take every new idea in, and meld it with your world view.
For you, everything is always changing. Each moment is different.
Your thinking process tends to be very natural - with no beginnings or endings.

BUT WAIT! There's more!

You Should Be a Joke Writer

You're totally hilarious, and you can find the humor in any situation.
Whether you're spouting off zingers, comebacks, or jokes about life...
You usually can keep a crowd laughing, and you have plenty of material.
You have the makings of a great comedian - or comedic writer.

Oh hell, how about ONE more. For now.

Your Dating Purity Score: 51%

You are an average dater.
You're experienced enough to be a great girlfriend or boyfriend...
Though you still may be figuring out exactly what you want in love!


So I've lost the ability to tell time...
I look at the clock and see that it's nearly midnight and I can't remember if I just made a post or if I still need to make one.

Yes, I know I could look at the time on my last post, but that's far too easy and I like to make things complicated.

Ice cream or popcorn?
I can't decide.
I've got Ben & Jerry's Half Baked. Or Act II Theatre style.


I'm going to turn up "What's Her Name" by TOFOG (my pretend boyfriend Russell Crowe's band) and dance around the living room.
Join me.

Saturday, July 29, 2006


OH SHIT I got so caught up in blogreading that I almost forgot to post!
WebKittyn is sitting around semi-nude and eating devil dogs.

I'm waiting for one of my pretend boyfriends Jeckles to be on-air on Mango Radio.

Debi just said that her friend had big ASS hair...I sincerely hope she means BIG-ass hair and not big ASS HAIR.

I missed the end (and most of the middle) of White Noise. I'm okay with that. Otherwise I might've been scared.

Now I'm watching Must Love Dogs, because I ♥ John Cusack. Even though I heard the movie sort of sucked.

And evidently my podcast didn't record properly. Sorry. But look at that face.

Podcast time!

Okay, this is a new service to me, and I'm not sure if I did it right.

And also if it's coherent (I mean at least as coherent as I usually am).
And if it skips. Because my upload speed is slow.
So let me know.

And by the way, I still have that exact same face when I wake up in the morning.
Only it was cuter when I was five.

Or maybe this one:

My Odeo Podcast

Hell, I don't know if either of them will work.

We'll see what happens.

Okay, so I'm ATTEMPTING to podcast with a different service, since my upload speed is too slow to be able to use podomatic.

One day I WILL get rid of dial up and move into this century. Fo' reals yo.

Here is your task.

When I post the podcast in half an hour (hopefully), you must let me know if you can hear anything.
Because I still owe you all two blogathon songs.

Morbidity, anyone?

So sometimes I think about weird stuff.

Like sometimes when I'm driving down the highway with the windows down and I think
"what if that big semi truck beside me throws up a big rock and it hits me right in the temple and kills me or knocks me unconscious and I cause a 25 car pileup?"

And sometimes when I'm behind a cattle trailer I think "what if that door flies open and cows fly out everywhere and smash into me through the windshield?"

Am I the only one who thinks that stuff?
Surely not.
Please tell me I'm not.


My tummy feels ick from the amount of carbonated drinks I've pumped into it today.
Usually I just have me coffee in the morning and water or iced tea for the rest of the day.

WHY O WHY didn't I buy tums or rolaids? I KNEW I should have. Stupid.

I'm fixin' to put the kids to bed, so I can watch MY movie. Then I can turn the music back up and dance around to keep myself awake.

I like to pretend I'm a backup dancer sometimes.

Probably I should've kept that tidbit to myself.

Time to make the coffee.

I think I'm going to watch a scary movie, just to get the adrenaline a-pumpin'.
Will someone hold my hand if I get scared?? :)

I've got to get moving...

I'm fading, people.
Somebody sing me a song.
Otherwise I'm going to have to drink some more assjuice in a can.

I'm going to do some jumping jacks or something, because I no longer have any feeling in my lower extremities.

Entertain me.
Be my dancing monkey?


Ever notice how some words look so much better in print?
Take succor, for instance.

It looks so..distinguished and resonant.

Then you say it out loud and it's sort of icky and abnormal.
Try it.


See? Tolja.

Fun fun fun

Jeckles and I are running around the house nekkid.
You're all cordially invited to join in.
With any luck, we can get an orgy started.

If my next post is a couple minutes late, it's because I HAVE TO RUN TO THE CRACKHOUSE.


There is still mucho time to SPONSOR ME.

Just a reminder as to why I'm here...THIS GUY.


Your donations will help with wheelchairs, specialized equipment, communication boards (which are SO IMPORTANT, so that those who are unable to speak can COMMUNICATE their needs!!!!!!), and so much more.

Please Donate, if you haven't already.
And if you have another charity in mind, something near and dear to you, go to THE BLOGATHON SITE and check out the list of bloggers and their charities.

Thank you very, very much.

And everybody PLEASE QUIT TALKING ABOUT PIZZA or else I'm going to have to break down and order some.
And they already know my voice at Mazzio's.

I haven't heard from my monitor since that ONE time early this morning. I hope he's okay. :)

Oh dear.

Golfwidow just told me that my Tabs were "assjuice in a can".
Sadly, that did not prevent me from drinking it.

I DID, however, spray a big mouthful of potato chip crumbs on my keyboard.

Is it any wonder I loves me some Golfwidow? (It's the Ministry Of Silly Walks, for crap's sake! How could I NOT love her??)

I lost count a LONG time ago.

Getting the kids fed.

And I should tell you all that I've decided to marry MAMACITA'S son.

Not that he's asked me or anything.
And not that we've ever even met. Or spoken. Or emailed.

But I love Mamacita and I want to be in her family. She'll arrange it for me. :)



I almost forgot to post.

(heehee, I accidentally made a rhyme).

I'm sorry that this and the next post are going to be the cheap-o cop out "I'M HERE" variety, but I've got to get some dinner going for the kiddos. Forgive me?

Use this time to catch up. That would be the smart thing to do.

FemiNazi? Oh NO. NO.

Previously posted in March 05.
One of my favorites.
Yes, another re-run.
Don't act like you don't like it.

"Love will find you when you least expect it; you know, when you haven't brushed your teeth or your hair, you're hung over, and last night's mascara has given you raccoon eyes." ~~aka_monty

On feminism...

I realize I'm taking it to extremes here...but many of the feminists took it to extremes, once upon a time. And some still do. Michele and Sigmund, Carl, and Alfred made eloquent posts on the subject of feminism...I'm afraid that my words are only a cheap imitation. :)

I choose to focus on the little details that sometimes grow into mountainous proportions, for it seems some are threatened by anything they see as undermining their independence, rights, or personal freedoms.

I want to say what feminism is not, to me.
It is not snubbing a man for a courtly gesture, such as stepping back and allowing me to precede him into a room.
It is not rejecting the politeness of one who would hold my chair for me.
It is not making an issue over who 'gets' to pay the check.
It is not deciding to harangue a man who has kindly offered assistance.
It is not treading the boundaries of impoliteness, just so someone will KNOW that I am a capable person.
It is not screaming to make myself heard, to show that I am empowered.

I do not think that having the right to vote, to be heard, to run for office, the ability to seek higher education, equal consideration for a job for which I am equally qualified, for all the other rights we women have (and have fought long and hard to get), should be mutually exclusive from the old-fashioned niceties.
A man who walks around the car to open my door is not taking anything away from me, as a woman.
If a man gives up his seat on the bus/train/whatever for me, he is not taking anything away from my womanhood.
If I should choose to sometimes submit my will to a man's will, this does not make me submissive.

Just so the zealots radical feminists will begin to froth at the mouth...
I confess that I like for a man to open my door.
I like for that same man to hold my chair.
I like for him to help me on or off with my clothes coat.
I feel charmed when a man asks me what I'd like when at a restaurant, and then when the waiter comes to our table, he says, "The lady will have..."
I like the knowledge that the aforementioned man will be picking up the check for my meal. And the movie or theater tickets. Or paying for my bowling shoe rental. Or whatever I have indicated that I'd like to do.
And, of course, the flowers he thoughtfully arrived with.
I like for a man to take out the garbage.
I like for a man to go and start the car & warm it up on freezing winter mornings.
I LOVE for a man to kill the spiders.

Does liking all these things make me anti-feminist? Or anti-women's lib? Does it make me totally dependent upon a man for happiness and provision?

No, of course not.

Before you fall upon me with sticks and clubs, shrieking, "YOU MUST BE INDEPENDENT! You're allowing the men to steal that from you, to undermine your independence! If you act incapable of DOING for yourself, then men will continue to treat us as though we're incapable of taking care of ourselves! We'll be back to being submissive to men's demands! Stop effing it up for us!"...listen up:

I am so confident in my abilities to take care of myself, so confident of my very independence, that I do not need to shout it from the rooftops.
It is self-evident.
Hear me roar? No. Just hear me. I don't need to be loud. Whisper, don't shout.

At the risk of sounding arrogant, after five minutes of conversation with me, you would realize that not only am I perfectly capable of lighting my own cigarette, holding my own door open, paying for my own check (and his as well), ordering my own meal, and putting on my own coat, I am also able to get from Point A to Point B without mishap, all by my little ownself. I can fix a clogged sink or toilet. I can change the oil in my car, as well as most of the filters. I know how to light the pilot light on my heater. I can change a tire. I can build a porch. I can kill the spiders in my house (although I would give up that right to anyone else who wanted to take that job).
I can do myriad other things, both big and small.
I earn my own living, I buy my own stuff, I do not depend on anyone other than myself to provide the things I want and need.

But that doesn't mean that I can't LIKE having help with those things, when I want it. Let us not forget that in WOMEN being equal to men...conversely that means MEN are equal to US.

You would further realize that I do have opinions (sometimes even very good ones), that I am not the least bit hesitant to share them, and if someone tries to steamroll me or treat me with condescension~~I am quite able (and willing!) to quickly disabuse them of that notion.
I would put them in their place with no more effort than it takes to swat a fly.

'Cause Monty don't play dat.


Big THANK YOU to my wonderful pal GOLFWIDOW for helping me find my way around the Bloglines Plumber Fixer-Upper.

I'm going to try a TAB Energy drink now. SURELY it has to taste better than regular Tab.
It HAS to.

Fractured Fairy Tales, Mad Libs style

Once upon a time there has a young LOCKSMITH named BOB. He was SILENTLY RETCHING in the SMELLY forest when he met LICE-RIDDEN JOSH, a run-away STREET SWEEPER from the FUGLY Queen MICHELE.

BOB could see that LICE-RIDDEN JOSH was hungry so he reached into his ZIPLOCK BAG and give him his PERNICIOUS LIMBURGER CHEESE. LICE-RIDDEN JOSH was thankful for BOB's LIMBURGER CHEESE, so he told BOB a very BRAINY story about Queen MICHELE's daughter KIMBERLY. How her mother, the FUGLY Queen MICHELE, kept her locked away in a IGLOO protected by a gigantic OCELOT, because KIMBERLY was so ROACH INFESTED.

BOB VOMITED. He vowed to LICE-RIDDEN JOSH the STREET SWEEPER that he would save the ROACH INFESTED KIMBERLY. He would SWIM the OCELOT, and take KIMBERLY far away from her eveil mother, the FUGLY Queen MICHELE, and KISS her.

Then, all of the sudden, there was a SMUG EARTHQUAKE and LICE-RIDDEN JOSH the STREET SWEEPER began to laugh. With a puff of smoke he turned into the gigantic OCELOT from his story. FUGLY Queen MICHELE PISSED out from behind a DART and struck BOB dead. In the far off IGLOO you could hear a YODEL.


What's YOUR Fairy Tale?

A favorite bit.

A bit of an old favorite post...

In case you've been wanting to try something 'bout this?
**A Monty Exclusive! Cannot be found in Mr. Boston's Bartending Guide, or even The Webtender.

How to make the perfect Montyrita:

Dip rim of glass in cynicism
Equal parts Mommy and Smarts
A shot of humour
A dash of naïvety
2 squirts of geek
A splash of attitude
3 (large) shots of Cuervo Gold
Garnish with a touch of arrogance.
Chase with 4 oz. of humility served in a chilled glass.

Perfect for all party settings, no matter what the occasion.
For the full effect, make sure you shout "OLÉ!" both before and after drinking.
Or you could skip all the other shit and just chug the tequila instead.


What's your drink?

Three O Clock in the Land Of Okies.

MAN OH MAN I'm tired!
Only because I didn't sleep well last night...
but I'll get my second wind. Any minute now.
This day is FLYING BY! And I have NOTHING TO SAY!

How sad.

It's time again!

I'm listening to Webkittyn on Mango Radio...why aren't you?

I used to think the name on the golf balls was pronounced TIT-leist instead of TITLE-ist.

I like pens with scented ink. Even the ink-scented ones.
this is an audio post - click to play

Shitty Poetry-type stuff.

I realize I'm treading dangerously close to the MommyBlog line...but hey, my kid is why I'm doing this Blogathon. For United Cerebral Palsy.

So, my kids were born at 24 weeks and spent a LOT of time in the hospital. In fact, it seems that no sooner did they get out that they went back in.

At Children's Hospital here, when you're in the 4th floor ward, there's a big courtyard where I spent a lot of time trying to...unthink, and smoking.

One night I happened to have a pencil and a napkin and wrote...well, I don't want to even call it a poem. It's more like a doodle.
It sucks. But that's okay.

Past The Door

Eyes downcast
Strangers passing by
Never looking
Into the faces of others
Bound together by fear,
loneliness, anger, resentment
Never speaking
Except to ask for a light
Smoking in silence
Each cigarette a tiny beacon
in the dark of night
The smoke obscuring expression
Alone with churning thoughts
in a group of many
Worry etched on each face
Helplessness in each eye
Never hoping
Afraid of what tomorrow might bring
Silent anonymity is a cloak
Protection from the unknown.

And this STILL makes me laugh...

Hey, remember last year when I cut my son's hair (badly) and he ended up looking like a young Lloyd Christmas?

Yeah, that was cool. :)

Numero Ten

If you're just now getting here, you've got some catching up to do.
Go ahead. I'll wait.


Blogathon Songs So Far

I love pimiento cheese spread.

I'm jealous of people who always have a clean house.
Do you have friends like that?
Are you that friend?


My very sweet Bosomed Buddy MEGAN has ever so kindly offered a helping hand...and thank goodness she has, because my bratty darling son is being obstinate and would rather play than eat.
Since I have to feed him, you can see where this could cause problems with my posting schedule.

Megan is such a wonderful, talented writer...I love her Fiction Fridays. Oh hell, I love her EVERY DAY.
Now, read on... (and be jealous of her talent, as I am)


The room is small, populated by mismatched furnishings discarded by his
parents. They are all he has now. In the cramped bathroom hangs a new
shower curtain, lovingly chosen by her, just for him. The twin bed is
too small for two, but just right for the one they have become. Its
sheets wear the imprints of their bodies, pulled close, skin to skin.
This room is the center of their universe.

The white walls bear silent witness to their joys and sorrows, their
dreams and fears. The I Love Yous whispered, cried and silently drawn
on naked backs in the dark of night. Tears and soothing sounds, the
rhythm of their breaths in sleep. The hushed merging of their bodies
and the sweet release they share. The delicious surprise of the
alphabet traced on her tender parts with his tongue. Their touches,
their looks, their sighs.

The tiny balcony where she sits and smokes, contemplating her life. And
once, in the small hours of a cold black morning, watched doomed
snowflakes fall from the sky.

The pictures collected from fairs and carnivals: her with a lion cub,
the two of them together in a photo booth, captured forever in stark
black and white.

In time, the one became two. They are now seven, and many miles and
many years apart. Only the room remains, sheltering many other
occupants, nurturing many other stories. But their spirits resonate
soundlessly within these walls, watching over the slow parade of lives
just begun and independence newly minted that passes through to join
them in memory.

Beautiful, as always. Thank you, Megan.

8 of 48

Sorry, another re-run, but I'm getting lunch ready for the kids.

Having used the online personal ads myself (shut up, I'm not ashamed to admit it), I've discovered that people are SUCH liars. In my archives you'll find a whole rant about that~~special emphasis on men lying about their height and women lying about their weight.
I've decided that if I should create a new personal ad, I'm going to be honest. I mean totally, completely, unequivocally honest. I wonder how many responses I'd get to this:

Divorced mother of 9 year old twins, exhausted from doing everything myself. Work full time at a thankless, unglamorous job. Don't care much for the public at this point in my life. Need a break, need some romance, need pampering. I'm a lousy housekeeper; I've usually got a sink full of dirty dishes, and I'm too lazy to care much.
Frequently moody and temperamental. Intolerant of ignorance and excuses. Pushy, bossy, and not willing to go out of my way to make any of you idiot men happy at this point in my life. Take me as I am, or go away. You can effing work on making ME happy.
If you're under 30, over 45, or married (this includes being SEPARATED), DON'T FUCKING BOTHER~~I will not respond to you. If you suffer from 'chronic lateness', I will not respond to you. Timeliness is next to Godliness.
If you're really ugly (like SCARY ugly), I probably won't respond to you then either unless you've got somethin' REALLY extra-special to say on your profile.
Yes, I'm totally shallow that way.
If you use any form of chatspeak, I will not respond. If you think 'cuddlen' is the correct way to spell CUDDLING, I will not respond. In fact, if you have more than 3 misspellings in your profile, I will not respond.
If your profile is dull, uninformative, stupid, or makes any reference to SEX at all, I will not respond.
Have I just eliminated 98% of you? Ask me if I care. You stupid bastards are more trouble than you're worth anyway.
So...piss off.

I'll bet there's some sicko out there who'll STILL send a response.


I would like to invent a StairMaster that simulated walking down the stairs.

I wonder if anesthesiologists would mind being referred to as 'gas-passers'?

Self-importance is first cousin to paranoia.

Other people's words that I wish I'd've said first:

Punditry is nothing more than fatuous prigs reciting the same nonsense so many times that they come to believe it.

Some people see the donut, some see the hole.

No good deed goes unpunished.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

You can get straight A's and still flunk life.

Are we on 7? Or have I lost count?

A summer re-run...

Original post date: Saturday, January 01, 2005

"The world is my oyster...and I can't get the damned thing open."

I don't normally 'review' the movies I watch. But today I exercised my woman's perogative, and changed my other mind.

I finally got 'round to watching the movie Love, Actually.
Call me a silly, sentimental sap (yes, hard as it is to believe, even I have my moments), but I Actually Love it.

Here are a few of the things I took away from the movie:

Some really great quotes. "C'mon. Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love."

I never realized the intricacies involved in setting up a scene for a porno.

I am still madly in love with Alan Rickman and his beautiful, thick-as-honey voice.

I wouldn't half-mind seeing Hugh Grant as Prime Minister.

If I was a lesbian, I'd do Laura Linney. And Emma Thompson as well.

The guy who played Karl(Carl?) was smokin'.

The kid who played Liam Neeson's son was actually an elf. Or perhaps a hobbit in disguise.

It must really suck to be in love with your best friend's spouse.

It pays to learn a foreign language.

Not all Brits have bad teeth. I think Americans started that rumor.

This is now in my top 5 favorite sappy romantic movies, second only to Sense & Sensibility.
(Coincidence that many of the stars are the same? I think not!)

I think I'm a closet Anglophile.

If I put on a British accent, I'd probably get laid a lot more.

Stay tuned...

6 and counting.

THIS is what I get when I try to log in to my bloglines feeds:

I'm the Bloglines Plumber. Bloglines is down for a little fixer upper. We will be back shortly. Bloglines will be all better when I'm done with it.

The Bloglines Plumber"

Some of my favorite quotes (by me):

"Some people think I'm nuts. I think they WAY underestimate my craziness."

"A step forward is a step in the right direction...unless, of course, you're standing at the edge of a cliff."

"If you're swimming with sharks and you start to bleed, you probably should get the hell out of the water."

"If you can't laugh at yourself, you're going to be the only one not laughing."

"Let a smile be your umbrella...and your dumb ass is gonna get wet."

"It isn't smart to go off the deep end if you don't know how to swim."

"The darkest of times is made marginally more bearable when you're having a good hair day."

"Love means never having to say 'Excuse me' when you fart."

But wait, there're more....
In 30 minutes. Or so.

5 of 48

Holy crap. I can't keep up!!

So okay, I'm going to MeMe.
Right now.

If tomorrow you woke up with amnesia:

What do you think you’d do firstly? Say "Where the hell am I?"

Would you trust the first person who tells you, about you (like a family member)? I don't trust anyone. I'd take that person to the cops & make 'em prove it.

You found out about a bad past.. would you still want to know who you really are? Yeah, most likely, so I'd know if I had to head to a country with no extradition.

You fell in love with a foreigner from another country. would you take off with him/her and move on with your new life? Depends on if I had a family in my old life. If I was single & free, then HELLS YEAH.

Your memory’s back! would you go back to old habits, or start your life afresh? Was I rich? Was I happy? I don't think you could really start afresh, because of memories that never fade. We've all got those.

Okay, that has the distinct honor of being one of the crappiest memes ever.
No worries, I'll find some that are worse as the day goes on.

Post in the Fourth.

Once I get all the way awake (which may take some time, since I didn't get much sleep), things will get more interesting around here.

Probably they will.




More coffee.


Time flies when you're reading blogs. WITHOUT the benefit of bloglines. Those bitches.

Now, there is some great Internet radio out there being hosted by most excellent blogathoners, so you will be treated to 24 hours of Mango Radio.

Get A Taste Of Mango


TUNE IN HERE for the Dirtier Version.
Right now there is some song about "me so horny". Groovy.

WebKittyn is Mango Radio DJ PLUS she's blogging in her own space. If this weren't enough, she's having some contests at her place. Go say howdy.

JECKLES will be on Mango Radio as well AND blogging in the blogathon...and will doubtless treat us to a rant about something or 'nother. It's great fun, so be sure to check him out. I plan to reward him with phone sex.

2nd of 48

See how I don't have to come up with any nifty titles today?
Which is good, because that's just asking a little too much. Titles and posts?? Hah. Can't be done.

I'M FREAKING OUT and having a PANIC ATTACK because BLOGLINES is down!!!
I need my bloglines.

help me. help me.

I've already been to The CrackHouse once today.
And it's only almost 8:30.

Just a charity that I'm blogging for is
and the reason for choosing that charity is because of this little guy:

MY little guy. Ain't he a cutie patootie?

The First Of FORTY EIGHT. Scary.

It's nearly 8am and I'm excited that today is BLOGATHON DAY!

(You can still SPONSOR ME for the rest of the weekend!)

Vanilla Chai Spice creamer is AWESOME.

This will not set the tone for the entire day's worth of postings, but there are a couple of things I need to address:

Dear Self,

Seriously, WTF? The one time I really really need a good night's sleep, you refuse to cooperate. What's up with waking me every 30 minutes or so, all night long? And then deciding at five a.m. you were finished with even trying to sleep.
I'm tired, don't you understand? And I'm going to be up all night.
You are so going to pay for this.


For those of you who sent emails wondering about the phone sex remark in my previous post, all I can tell you is that you should have been listening to Shitty Blog Radio.
I sent an email for the MailBag portion of the show, and Jeckles read it on the broadcast:

Dear Jeckles,
Today a mannequin fell on me when I was at work.
And I stubbed my toe.
And my computer went all weird and when I tried to stream your show,
it kept trying to open the show with Dell Jukebox which stalls out
every 30 seconds so all I got to hear at first was something about
sexually harassing Mango.
If I get a vote then I vote YES on that. On video, if you please.

So I finally got the show to stream correctly, and then this guy calls
and wants to have phone sex and I troubles me that I had a hard time
deciding whether I'd rather do that or listen to the show.

Sorry I missed the majority of your broadcast.
Then it turns out that the phone call was a wrong number, but oh well,
too late now.

I need a cigarette.

That is all.

It was completely made up.
I thought it was funny, that's why I wrote it.
No, I did not really have phone sex. Even with a wrong number.
Email me about something else, if you please.
Thank you. :)


Friday, July 28, 2006

A day of rest

So I'm taking it easy today, gearing up for tomorrow's


All the way through the Blogathon and up to 48 hours afterward! GROOVY. Get busy.
Thank you.

Thank heavens the CrackHouse is only two blocks away, because I know I will have to make at least two or three runs there.

Oh, and to anyone who was listening to SHITTY BLOG RADIO last night, I was only kidding about having phone sex instead of listening to the show.

OF COURSE I listened to the show first!


I made the whole story up, because I wanted to see if Jeckles would actually crack a smile.
It seemed like a good idea at the time. And I laughed, so screw you if you didn't think it was funny.

What can you expect from the Blogathon posts?

The two songs I owe you. PREVIOUS SONGS HERE
Bits and pieces of my favorite posts, but hey it's summertime and you should expect re-runs.
Some shitty poetry. Maybe.
Vacation stories.
Random Randomness.
Did I mention that when I get really really really tired, I get a little loopy (er)?
I will also direct you to other blogathoners, and I know you will go since I am the boss of you.

I'm going to go rest my brain now, so I'll be fresh at 8am CST TOMORROW!

Join me, won't you?

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Blogathon Songs For $600, Alex

Witch Doctor, by Me, David Seville, and one of the damn Chipmunks.
Plus porn.

HEAR ALL THE BLOGATHON SONGS, including the surprisingly popular Salt N Pepa rap that has been downloaded an assload of times.

You people are weird.
And a little bit creepy.
Is it any wonder I can't live without you?

and OH by the way I totally kicked ass at the World Series of Pop Culture Trivia today.
Just thought you should know.

one more thing

I just now ODed on Big Brother spoilers.
Now I can sleep tonight. :) I LOVE YOU PEOPLE WHO GET THE LIVE FEED!

And WHAT THE HELL is up with mail service lately?

I sent a package to Canada like 3 or 4 weeks ago and it STILL hasn't arrived at the intended recipient's abode.

I sent a package (a small one) to...a state nearby TWO WEEKS AGO, and it still hasn't arrived (and it should have taken about two days).

I sent a PRIORITY package to a state a little further away, which should be 2-3 day delivery, and all I can say is that it BETTER BE THERE BY TOMORROW since I mailed it on Monday.

Are the postal carriers on strike or something and forgot to tell me?
Is it just Okie postal carriers?


oh hell

So I was at work just now listening to the podcast I made last night...I don't think dial-up and podomatic are compatible.

There WERE WHOLE SECTIONS missing! Not blank spaces...just odd missing chunks of dialogue which made awfully strange sounding sentences.
Plus I was so tired and stuffed up that I sounded drunk.
Which was kind of funny, actually.
But the weird missing pieces...I was plugging Webkittyn Wednesday and Shitty Blog Radio with Jeckles on Mango Radio, then all of a sudden I'm in the middle of a whole Krispy Kreme spiel!

Craaaaazy. It was very surreal.

I deleted it. I'll try again tonight...
...stay tuned.

If you think you need a tongue piercing to perform decent oral sex... just must not be very good at it.
Is all I'm saying.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


I don't know why I let it bother me, after all this time.
I have no idea why it gets to me, after all this time.
There's no reason why it should.

Remember that post I did, Heading South, about those endless ever-loving questions?


I should be past this, right?

So I had to run to the grocery store this morning to get a couple of things for my little guy's food and some diapers and some baby fruit.

Clerk: "How old is your baby?"
Me: *sigh* "Pretty old, he can't chew well."
Clerk: "Oh, one of those."

I felt my mouth drop open as I stared at her like a slack-jawed idiot.
I had no reply.
I had no power of speech, briefly.

I know she didn't mean anything by it...
...she didn't, right?


On a lighter note, DAWN was one of the Customized Jingle winners.
Go over to her place and give it a listen. :) It sucks, but hey, I did it with love.

IVY and LISA are the other two winners and shall be getting their jingles shortly.

And tune in tonight (late) for the podcast with your next Blogathon Song.

Monday, July 24, 2006

What? No nagging? No begging?

I'll give you a break today.
You're smart, you know what to do, yes?
But I WILL say that you should go and offer sympathy to congratulate IVY, the first Customized Jingle winner.
Boy, ain't she lucky?? Hells yeah.

Blogathon Songs


Sometimes it's a comfort...
The easiness,
familiarity of ago.
He knows...
my favorite pizza toppings
that one spot on my neck
my favorite drink
the texture of my hair, rubbed between finger and thumb.
I know...
his brand of cigarettes
how he likes his arm scratched, tickled
what makes him laugh
the scent of skin, imprinted, never forgotten.
We know...
how to fit exactly right, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle
which way to spoon
how to communicate without words
how to push buttons, both the good and the bad.

Sometimes it's disquieting...
The re-emergence of patterns
only slightly askew after years have passed, apart.
He still knows...
how to manipulate me
secrets, MY secrets
how to make me want, when I don't want to want.
I still know...
how to challenge him
how to distract, deflect, derail
just what that smile will do to him.
We still know...
How to drive each other to anger
Our methods of argument, never changing
How to push buttons, both the good and the bad.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

The $500 Blogathon Rap

Hey, I can get jiggy. I can.

Hear all the crap.


The next THREE sponsorships will receive their very own, brand new, SUPER exciting washer and dryer set! CUSTOMIZED JINGLE for THEIR BLOG!

YEAH! Does it get any better than that? I think not!
Be the first one on your blogroll to have their own jingle, written and sung by me.


Friday, July 21, 2006


but first...
The weekend of AUGUST 4th I will be in the ALLEN, TX area to drop my kids off with the Sperm Donor.

Anyone want me for the weekend? Last time poor Jules and Ivy got stuck with Ivy doesn't come around anymore and Jules went a little off the deep end.

I see no connection. :)

You people are AWESOME!
My current total, so far, is $620!!!
Can you believe it? I can't! I'm beginning to worry a little bit about my ambitious promise to sing the Buffy Musical.
Because I thought there was no way I'd get to $1000 and I was feeling pretty safe.
But you know I never welsh.
I adore you. I would like to kiss your feet and have your babies.
(okay, I'm lying about at least half that last sentence...probably the whole sentence is a lie but still)

******Weird thing: Pledges are showing up as ANONYMOUS. If you do NOT mean to be anonymous, PLEASE GMAIL ME so that I can add you to my links of love*****


P.S. the promised Salt-N-Pepa rap will be up tomorrow. I just need to check a couple of the words because I can't understand them in the song.

Have a Friday.
I ♥ you...pass it on.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

In which there is a free trip!!!!!!!

A free GUILT TRIP, that is.

We're running out of time...
.....for you to SPONSOR ME in the BLOGATHON!
Don't get left behind! Don't get left out of the fun!
Open your heart, open your wallet, give generously.

ONLY $35 away from the $600 song...and in keeping with the K-Tel theme, I will be singing "My Boomerang Won't Come Back".
IF I get to $700, I will sing "Witch Doctor.
IF I get to $800, I will sing "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport".
IF I get to $900, I will sing...crap, I just now forgot.
IF IF IF IF IF I, by some miracle, manage to get a BUNCH more pledges and reach

I will sing you the ENTIRE soundtrack from BUFFY, THE MUSICAL.

Seriously. I'll do it. JUST FOR YOU, because I love you that much.
Now please gimme the money. AND get your friends to come over and gimme the money.
(it's not for me, it's for the people with Cerebral Palsy. It's for wheelchairs and communication boards, it's for special equipment like kneelers and gait's for United Cerebral Palsy)

I've seen YOU, and YOU, and YOU trying to raise money for your other friends for this cause or that reason...I've seen you try to raise money for yourselves just you think I don't remember?
And now you won't give me a line or two of publicity?
Am I less important than they?
Is my cause less worthy??
Less important than 'fun money' for yourself?
That hurts. It hurts right here -->♥.

So I read in People magazine (online) that Justin Timberlake said, in reference to ex-love Britney Spears: "I don't think you can ever count somebody like her out. Because she may appear one way, but she's very clever."

She may appear one way, but she's very clever"??

Why don't you just come on out and say that she appears to be an idiot?
Because we're all thinking it, you know.
Is all I'm saying.

Thank you all who have so generously pledged your hard earned dollars....
Thank you all who have so kindly publicized my efforts and sent your readers...
Thank you all who were strangers to me and have supported my cause...

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
No joke.

Spam Spam Eggs and Spam

Tickle my ass with a feather funnybone.
(does anyone remember that joke? with the feather?)

***UPDATE: I just got Trolled by TheBigO herself! How AWESOME!
AND I have her IP address, and where she commented from! Even MORE AWESOME!
Funny, she's in MA right now...***

but first...
Dear Oprah,

Seriously, no one even cares whether or not you're gay. And NO woman on the planet who has ever had a long-lasting, close friendship would even think such a thing.
Are you upset because people are losing interest in you, and you're trying to get some publicity? I notice even the National Enquirer has left you alone lately (so I get bored in the checkout line at the grocery store, so what?).

Please do not ever ever ever ever ever ever ever put an image in my head again that involves you having sex, with either a male or a female.
Because ew.

A NON-fan who thinks your attitudes suck and who also thinks the only good thing you ever accomplished was The Color Purple.

Dear Kid Rock and Pam Anderson,

Marriage is so not going to fix your fucked up weird relationship.
Is all I'm saying.

Someone who thinks you're both effed in the head but sort of likes you anyways.

THIS GUY left a comment at THIS GUY'S place, and for some reason I burst into uncontrollable laughter every single time I read it. I giggle when I THINK about it.

It reminds of my daily email spam.

Luckily I got some excellent spam today which I will now share with you, and your mission is to comment with some of YOUR spam.
Because I really need some big laughs today. The kind where you pee your pants a little and sometimes choke on spit.

Spam Of The Day

"billiards horrid in violently angrily, obliterate!!! multiple as amelioration celebrity!
Patient ruckus dangle the it impeccably to... Sagittarius.
Web-footed. Halibut. Muzak boss, a smother of brutally revealing soon!!
Yom Kippur an filmy tattered in hallelujah: with dough dice emergence confirmation.
brazenly light-headed as an handsomely, vampire with shyness. as pudding drug addict aquaria bookmaker blew as foreplay lice pole vault crank."

A little violence, an abundance of adverbs, dough dice, with a nod to shy vampires, pudding addiction, and porn.
Now THAT'S good spam.

What did you get? Or make up your own!

If you open up your iTunes, you can do two things:
Go to PODCASTS and search for "Evoca"'ll see a list that includes
Evoca - The Daily Bitch...Downloadable that you can subscribe to
open up your iTunes, click the ADVANCED tab, and subscribe with this:

I only mention this because you won't want to miss the Salt N Pepa rap on Friday (or maybe Saturday)

That is all. (and ain't it enough, for crap's sake?!)

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Two things.

Okay, three things.
Possibly four things.

My computer just went wonky and printed six copies of the same shipping label.

I just got my MIXMANIA CD last evening, and I.LOVE.IT!
When we were given the "HOT" theme, I told Mixmaster Jim that I could've done a box set, because so many wonderful songs sprang immediately to mind.
Evidently I'm not the only one.
I was pretty proud of my mix, until I got this one. We have eerily similar tastes in music~in fact, a couple of the tracks are the same as the ones I sent on my mix. And a large portion of the songs are well-loved favorites of mine and barely missed the cut when I was mixing.
So to my anonymous benefactor~I cannot WAIT to find out who you are!
(P.S. BOLERO actually appears on about 2/3 of the CDs I mix for myself because I love it so much. A BRILLIANT addition!)

I need some help with podOmatic. Who's good at it?

I'm going to randomly choose a sponsor out of the hat and give that person an iTunes gift card. Don't you want to win?


But don't let that stop you from SENDING YOUR FRIENDS to
for the BLOGATHON!
Any publicity is good publicity...or so says Tom Cruise.


If you don't sponsor me, then pick one of those fabulous bloggers on the right sidebar. Their charities need donations too.

How many things is that so far? I've lost count.

I do not find it at all strange that I plan my driving routes to maximize the number of convenient Sonics.

Sonic = Crackhouse.
Rt 44 drinks, cheddar peppers, extreme tots = My Crack.

Now I'm hungry. See you at Sonic. On Rockwell. 10 minutes.

Have a day.
That is all.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

$400 Blogathon Song


Now with even more crap, crammed into 16 minutes!
Sort of like a blivet. (10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag).

Say, maybe that's what I should start calling this blog...The Blivet.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Don't Take It Personally.

but first...
I have one UNVERIFIED donation just a-waitin' confirmation...and IT WILL PUT ME OVER THE $500 MARK.
You are fabulous, each and every one of you.
So I owe you the $400 song, and as soon as one of you clicks the link in your VERIFICATION email, I will and I owe you a Salt-N-Peppa Rap.
$538! $538! $538! $538! $538! $538! $538! $538!
THANK YOU all so very much. Spread the word, please. Send your friends. I will love them too.
And give yourselves a nice pat on the back. You deserve it.

Okay, so the other day my dear, darling, wonderful pal MOMMAK had a post about being BLOGDISSED.
(not Trolling, just neglecting to communicate with our blogfriends)

I couldn't help but feel that that was directed, in large part, toward me.

Did she mean for me to be included in that group of 'dissers?
No idea.
So don't think I'm trying to take her to task about it, or pointing fingers, or complaining about it. I'm SO not. It was an excellent post.

But when I read it I felt a twinge of...guilty conscience, I guess, because I know that I have unintentionally dissed you guys with the comments.
By which I mean I haven't been leaving very many.

Maybe I'm just terribly vain, because sometimes I make everything about me me me me memememememememememe.
Which is sort of the point that I'm going to try to make.
I make stuff about me, and that's not your fault.

Were my feelings hurt when I thought that was directed at me?
Sure they were.
But that was because of the guilt I felt. When you feel guilty, you get defensive, and I wanted to say HEY, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN LEAVING COMMENTS HERE VERY OFTEN EITHER!...but then I realized I would just be projecting.

NOBODY said, or even implied, "Hey Monty, you suck as a friend."
Nobody except my own tiny little brain.

PLUS I realized a long time ago, when I have posted about the 'unnamed' and gotten flurries of email, I can't be responsible for how you feel.
If you take it personally, and think I'm talking about you, perhaps you have a wee twinge of guilt.
It isn't my fault. I'm sorry, but it isn't.
And the reverse is quite true: YOU are not responsible for how I feel.
I wouldn't hurt your feelings, any of you (except for those vile and nasty creatures whom I loathe), for all the tea in China, but I can't be held responsible if you think I'm referring to you when really you were nowhere in my mind at that particular time.

So I didn't ask my friend whom I adore if I was included in those people, the dissers...because if perchance she didn't mean to include me, I didn't want her to feel bad because I felt bad.
You follow?

Let me just offer a blanket apology to anyone who might have felt 'dissed, and a small explanation.
I read most all you guys on bloglines~it's much simpler when I'm at work to have one window open to Bloglines, and just read a little at a time.
SOME of the feeds show the "comments" link at the bottom of each post...but most do not.
I find myself leaving comments more often when that little 'comments' link appears, because it's right there in front of my face.

So what I'm trying to say is that even though I may not be leaving comments, I am there with you. All the time. I mean it.
Seriously, how could I possibly survive without you?
I couldn't.
And you can't make me.

Forgive me?

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Foreign language.

but first...
Lookit, we're getting close to FIVE.HUNDRED.DOLLARS.
If When I reach that goal, I'll rap you a song from Salt-N-Pepa.

YOU TOO could be one of the cool kids and get one of these:

if you will SPONSOR ME!

Don't want to donate to United Cerebral Palsy?
I've got a list over there on the sidebar with more bloggers and their charities to choose from.

My mind has started a whole new language, which is ever so much cooler than that 1337 $p34k crap that I'll never understand (nor do I want to understand it).

Some of us have been Micheled (honored as Site Of The Day).
That's how it appears in my mind: You've been Micheled.

The other day when I felt a rant coming on, I said I was getting all Jeckle-y.
If you've ever listened to Shitty Blog Radio on THURSDAY NIGHTS (9pm Eastern)(and if you don't~you should), you'd know what I mean.

When I need to buy make-up, that means I need to Get Birdied.

Sometimes when I need to have an in-depth conversation with God, I say, "Can we have a Megan moment?"

Thanks to my pal Frankie, whenever I encounter something so totally gross & disgusting that it defies becomes "squidlickey".

How could I use your name?
How would you use mine?

Tell me...don't make me go all WebMiztris on your ass.
(Dawn, it's totally a compliment, because you kick ass).

That is all. (Okay Jeckles, we both stole it from the same place. But it was more fun saying that you stole it from me)
Have a day.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Blogathon and A Promised Song

20 minutes of crap. And a song or two.

(put me on your iTunes/iPod/iWhatever!)

I'll get it right eventually. iPromise.
(now, can someone tell me if I did that Feed correctly? Because I'm all dumb and stuff)

Last But Certainly Not Least

but first...
THANKS EVERYONE! Keep those pledges rolling in~I'm nearly at $400! (In fact I have an anonymous donor who has an UNVERIFIED pledge that will put me over the edge, and Blogathon won't add it in until it has been verified. So whoever you are, kind & generous person, please VERIFY!) ($433!! I love you guys!)

I hope to have your next song ready tonight...I was using a new service last night and I worked & worked to get it right...clicked "SAVE"...and got a big fat error message because it wasn't compatible with AOHELL or something.
Tonight I'll try it with IE. We'll see.

Today I bring you the last of the Guest Posters. This wonderful woman has chosen to remain anonymous, because what she has to say is troubling her soul and she is a little apprehensive that people won't understand.

Of course, I know you will understand and be non-judgmental. You're so, so good at that, and I love how supportive and encouraging all of you are. :)
That's why I hang out with you.
Anyway, this lady needed to get this off her chest, and I hope you'll read with an open mind and open heart. She needs a shoulder, not a turned back.

Ms. Anonymous, I'm proud of you for having the courage to say what you have to say.

Well, when Shannon gave her readers the opportunity to guest post
anonymously, I thought confession might be good for the soul. You see,
I have a horrible secret that has been just eating away at me. It
pains me to even type this, but I have to face the reality myself, and
maybe by writing it, I can set it free.

I'm not in love with my husband anymore. We haven't been married long, and this is a second marriage for both of us. After our nasty (respective) divorces, we swore that getting married would mean until death do us part, because we couldn't bear to go through those horrible experiences again. First, let me say my husband is a good-hearted, hard-working man. He has been a wonderful father to my children (from my first marriage), and that is probably the only reason I haven't left. However, our relationship has always been rocky, we've dealt with infidelity, lies, unemployment, and other incredible stressors that most relationships would not survive. This was all BEFORE we married. We thought "If we can make it through this,
we make it through anything." I'm beginnning to think we were wrong. I just cannot get over all of the damage he's done with the lies, and cheating early on. His attitude has become more clingy, and tempermental, and therapy really hasn't helped. Then again, he only followed through with a couple of sessions.

He has no real friends, and if the way he acts around us is the way he
acts around others, I'm not surprised. He used to be charismatic,
charming, and fun to be around. Now he's miserable, complaining about
everything from his weight, to the kids, to our lack of a decent sex
life. It drives me insane to hear him bitch about his weight, then
pound down food like it's his last meal ever, and still start bugging
me to go get ice cream or eat a whole package of cookies. He loses his
temper so easily with our children, and he pouts over any little
disagreement. When these things are brought to his attention, he'll
change for a few days, but then it's back to the same old whining,
griping, and yelling.

We share almost no common interests, I try to get involved in things
he likes, for example I've been watching the World Cup with him. I
don't know squat about soccer, but I try to learn, so we can enjoy
watching it together. We have nothing to talk about most of the time,
and his mercurial attitude makes me prefer to avoid conversation
anyway. I'm incredibly miserable, yet I feel trapped. A housewife,
with 2 young children, no education, and no family support, I don't
think I can make it as a single mom again. My therapist asked me what
I'd be willing to go through to fix our marriage, and I honestly don't
know, I've done everything I possibly can, and can't imagine what else
I can do, let alone whether I could tolerate whatever that may be.

I'm not perfect, I know this. I can be difficult to live with,
demanding and hard-nosed, but more often than not that's the only way
to keep him from going overboard, be it with spending, eating, or any
other indulgence that he wants instant gratification from.

The most depressing part is I'm falling in love with my best male
friend, we've only known each other a few months, but it seems like
we've known each other our whole lives. There is nothing inappropriate
going on, I should make that clear. It's just that we have SO much in
common, and a connection that feels like it's from some past life. I'm
dying inside, because I don't want to hurt my husband, his family, and
my children, but I feel like I'm treading water, and losing the
battle. I known in my heart I have no choice but to maintain status
quo, but the whole situation makes me want to just run away, and never
look back. Ultimately, it's the best thing I can do for my children
right now, but I'm fairly sure this marriage won't last. I'm so

Thank you, Shannon, for letting me get that off my chest.

You're so welcome, and I'm glad I had a place to offer so that you could let it out. Sometimes just putting things out there is like lancing a boil, it relieves some of the pressure.
I have nothing but love and respect for you, and I hope and pray for the best for you and your family. I'm always here if you need anything. :)

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

In Which There Is Another Song.

I see I've got a couple of requests for the next song...
I'll take them under advisement. :) I'm trying to figure out a podcasting thingy for the next one, so bear with me.
Not to worry, I never go back on my word.
Mostly never.

this is an audio post - click to play

Monday, July 10, 2006

Holy Crap.

You guys.
You guys are THE BEST EVER.

Now, are you paying me TO sing or NOT to sing?
Give me a request or two, I'll see what I can do. Make it something easy, with only a couple of different notes. :)


Don't forget your button!


Stressed Out

Vacation is over, I'm back at work (at least temporarily).
You know my boss has 'closed' our studio, but I'm (THANK GOD) able to stay on for a few more weeks.
I'm sad, because my sister is out of a job.
I'm sad, because my bosslady had hoped to hire her back in six weeks.
I'm sad, because it looks like I may be out of a job soon because sales are bad and NOW she's thinking about just liquidating the whole effin' mess.


I'm stressed.
I need a vacation. :)

I have a couple more wonderful guest posts a-comin', then I'll tell you a little bit about my "vacation".
Not that it's very interesting.
Or funny.
Or fun.
Or cool.

Am I complaining? Sorry.

Let me show you some pictures from today, when a thunderstorm came through.
It was cool.

To the EAST, looking out the door:

To the WEST, at the same time:

AND the middle of the sky, where the dark met the light:

Have a...*sigh*

That is all.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Please Don't Heckle The Jeckles...

But first...
Never let it be said that I welshed on a deal.
this is an audio post - click to play

Don't forget to CLICK THE "SPONSOR ME" banner on the sidebar!!

Our guest post today is brought to you by one of my favorite boys, Jeckles. He's smart (and a little geeky, which is totally sexy), he is the host of the ever-popular SHITTY BLOG RADIO SHOW (which you really should listen to, EVERY THURSDAY at 9PM Eastern).
He's also participating in the Blogathon, and his charity is FREEDOM FROM HUNGER.
Yes, he will try to guilt you into sponsorship~which I think is an excellent idea that I'm stealing.
He tries to act like a hater sometimes, but don't let that fool you~inside, he's a genuinely nice guy. But please don't mention that I told you that~I promised to keep it under my hat. Whoopsie.

Show some love, people!

Jeckles sez:

Nothing profound here just another soliloquy ramble rant.

I am always hearing people talk about the Good Old Days.
Remember back in the day...

I hate it. This won't surprise those who know me. I hate many things.

People like to dwell on the past, as though it was some magical time. I have friends who do it. My wife does it. And it seem that every place I go to, I am subjected to stories about how great it used to be there. It's bullshit.

But there is more to this...
True, I can't stand the way people go on about their Good Old Days.
But the real rub is that I don't have any Good Old Days.

I have no desire to relive my high school days. Why would I want to return to that alienation? That awkwardness? I walked around looking like a misfit. Not misfit enough to hang with the punks, not dumb enough to hang with head bangers, but too freaky to hang with those college bound types. The teachers all believed I was on drugs, but somehow didn't notice Johny football player passing that joint to Sally cheerleader. No. I don't want to be there again.

My college years hold nothing special for me. I screwed up. I failed out. I got nothing out of college.

My 20's. Free, single and wild? Drunk, alone, and stoned. I wasted my twenties trying to drink myself to death. Do I look back fondly on those days? Hell, I can barely remember them. And what I can remember is shrouded in Darkness.

Now. I'm married. I have two great kids. I'm sober and stable. Take your Good Old Days and keep them. The best days of my life are right now.

I look forward. I am aware (all too aware) of what has passed, but I do not care to dwell on it. Or to paint it as something bigger and better than it was. I've wasted most of my life. I am done with waste. I am living my life. My life right now, not how it was or how it might be.

That is all.
( <--**Ed. Note: Dude, you totally stole that from me. I'm flattered. *winky smile*)

Thanks Jeck! I appreciate you doing this for me, even though you didn't want to. And I find myself in agreement~these are the best days, because you're (I'm, we're) living our lives, how they are.
If more people would remember that, perhaps they wouldn't always have to be 're-discovering' and 're-inventing' themselves, perhaps they wouldn't be so miserable all the time.
You rock, Geek Boy. :)

Saturday, July 08, 2006


but first...
THANK YOU THANK YOU for your generosity...I've reached my first little goal.
Shit, that means I owe you a song.
Okay, tomorrow I'll sing one for you.
I'll sing you a song for every $100 I raise for the BLOGATHON.
HERE'S A PRESENT FOR YOU to put on your blog:



(If you'd rather spend your $5 on ice cream and candy instead of HELPING DISABLED KIDS, then who'm I to stop you? Of COURSE I won't stick a pin with your name on it in my VOODOO DOLL)

Today's Guest Poster is fairly new to my acquaintance, but MAN OH MAN is she a hoot! Today she's giving us a nice dose of reality~if you've got kids you'll know she speaks the absolute truth. This post could be straight from my own life.
She's totally my kind of mom.
Give a nice warm welcome to RANDI, and go visit her at If You Can't Say Something Nice...Come Sit By Me!

Remember when you were young, I mean like 16 or 17 and you started thinking how adorable babies were and how you'd love to have one sometime? Did anyone else figure in their head how many kids they'd have, or what they'd like to name them, or am I just neurotic? Anyway, when I was about the whole "how my life will be" thing, I remember thinking certain things about how I'd raise my children.

THEN: When I have my children I'll be in a loving marriage. We'll have a house and I'll have a great job after college. We'll finally decide children are right for us and we'll be able to give them everything I want to buy them.

REALITY: I was pregnant while ON birth control and in college and living in my boyfriend's trailer. My boyfriend said he'd propose to me during labor and I told him if he did I'd shove the ring up his ass.

THEN: I will cook everything for my children, from birthday cakes to breakfasts. They'll have everything from me.

REALITY: Who wants a Happy Meal?

THEN: Two children will be perfect! A boy and a girl! They'll love each other and play great with each other and protect each other.

REALITY: I only step in when blood is on the walls.

THEN: I will never use the T.V. as a babysitter.

REALITY: Okay, first up is Dora, followed by Blues Clues, and then an engaging episode of Pinky Dinky Doo.

THEN: I will NEVER have my children watch the Teletubbies. They're messengers from Satan.

REALITY: Yes...okay...yes honey, stop bawling....yes the Belliebubbies will be right on (although they're still from Satan).

THEN: I will have my kids help in the kitchen preparing meals. They'll learn to cook and we'll have tons of fun doing it every meal!

REALITY: GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!!!! GO PLAY!!! NO!! Flour does NOT belong on the floor!!!

THEN: I won't use toys as a bribe.

REALITY: Hey Toad...if you're good while we're visiting maybe we can go to the dollar store later.

THEN: We'll go out once a week and have a nice supper out.


THEN: I'll have them potty-trained before they are two.

REALITY: I'm convinced Babygirl will be in diapers through college.

THEN: And when they go to bed my wondeful husband and I will have our alone time and be able to cuddle and talk about everything that's been going on. We'll have romantic dinners by candlelight on our anniversary and make slow, sweet love in front of a fire place.

REALITY: Me: Night.
Him: Night.

RANDI, I laugh every single time I read this, and I'm terribly jealous that I didn't come up with it myself. :):)
It's brilliant (which is most likely WHY I didn't come up with it myself).
Thanks so much for being here!!

Stay tuned for Jeckles...

Thursday, July 06, 2006

A Return Engagement...


but first...
this is an audio post - click to play

Wai sez:

Did I mention that I had 3 ½ days off last weekend because my boss gave me Monday, July 3, as a compensatory day for having pulled 2 all-nighters getting projects done and out the door? Me. And only me. Everyone else has to take it as a vacation day if they want that day off. I feel special. Shhh...don’t tell my coworkers. But I would have had 4 full days, if a contractor didn’t ask me today to meet at the jobsite on Saturday morning to finalize his shop drawings in order to begin building what he needs to build. I’m not complaining, mind you, because it is what it is. I’m still glad I have 3 ½ days to hide out in the woods.

I went out to dinner with my brother tonight after he got back from a business trip to San Francisco. We shared a 32 oz. porterhouse, black & blue, on a sizzling 450° platter, with roasted garlic and rosemary, at my favorite steakhouse. I’m glad we have the same rare taste. He’s still on California time, so his 11:00 P.M. drive back up to Connecticut won’t be so bad; his body still thinks it’s 8:00 P.M. Me? I’m about to pass out. But if I go to bed before 1:00 A.M., I’ll wake up too early.

I can’t really say that I’ve ever had a bad day, but I do remember the last really bad day I had. It was Easter Sunday 2004, 12:02 A.M. Here’s a picture of the aftermath:

I was the backseat passenger in the red car that used to be a Pontiac Grand Prix. See where the white truck is resting near the back window? I was right in there. This accident changed my entire outlook on life, because it could have been worse. Everyone walked away from this head-on, so God and his angels must have been working overtime that morning. I was the first one to get out of the car to make sure everyone was alright. I didn’t even realize I had a broken rib and a lacerated liver. My best friend was driving and suffered a broken collar bone where his seat belt was and a gash above his eye where his head hit the rearview mirror. His wife had bruised knees and a broken rib as well. The driver in the other car was alright, but his wife, who wasn’t wearing a seat belt suffered the most damage. But nobody died. Thank God.

I spent 24 restless hours on an examination table at the hospital. All I could worry about was how my own family would be if I had died. None of them knew where I was. And I was a hundred miles from them. My best friend’s mother (who I call “Ma” too), took care of me for a week. I will always be grateful to her. There is also nothing I wouldn’t do for her.

I took away from that day a renewed and profound love of life. Because it could be worse.

I, for one, am glad you're okay!
Wai, you definitely lead an interesting life, and I'm so glad you've shared some of it with us. Thanks for guest posting for me~~I've enjoyed having you! :)

Stay tuned tomorrow for Randi...

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Got Green?

Raise your right hand and repeat after me:
I pledge my money
To aka_monty
For donation to United Cerebral Palsy
And to all the people
for which they stand
One Foundation
Out of many
For the disabled
With love and compassion for all.

Sponsor Me!
(once you make your pledge, you'll be sent a "VERIFICATION" email that you'll need to click)

I'm going to be blogging in BLOGATHON 2006
and my charity, in honor of my son, is United Cerebral Palsy Foundation.

(no pledge too big or too small. I know you've got that $5 you were going to spend on smokes or cheap wine)