No worries, I'm not going to rehash the night's events. There are blogs a-plenty out there who have offered up their picks and pans, whether or not their predictions came true, and who was wearing the ugliest dress (probably Gwyneth Paltrow, as usual).
I only offer 2 observations: Salma Hayak & Penelope Cruz are actually the same person, as I've long suspected; and Antonio Banderas is a worse singer than he is an actor, if that's possible.
I want you to imagine for a moment that you were at the Oscars, sitting
there with your date/spouse/mommy/daddy/kids/sibling/best friend...outwardly, you're cool and composed. Inwardly, though, you're a bundle of live nerves, all pinging at once. Your heart races, your palms are sweaty...you try to engage in casual conversation but your mind is screaming, "Will you JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?! I CAN'T TAKE THIS!"
Then the lights dim, there is a call for silence. The anticipation builds to a fever pitch as the show returns from commercial break. You desperately need a bathroom, but your category is next. You cross your legs and pray.
You mentally roll your eyes at the lame-ass jokes the presenters are stumbling through...you wonder how those idiots ever got to be actors in the first place, since they can't even manage to memorize 4 lines of text (WHY O WHY couldn't they just let Robin Williams run the whole damn thing, anyway?!?).
DUN DUN DUN!!!!!
The Oscar goes to....
...that jerk, that prima donna, that...NOT YOU.
You sit there stunned, in total disbelief, with your ever-so-carefully prepared speech notes crumpled in your hand. You applaud politely in case the cameras are on you, manage to smile, choke back the tears, and try not to vomit publicly.
Another year of disappointment. You begin to empathize with Susan Lucci.
Doing our part to alleviate a small portion of the intense pain you must be suffering, we at the The Daily Bitch offer you this opportunity to go ahead & read us that acceptance speech.
You don't want those hours & hours of work to go to waste, do you?
So put on your most humble, grateful face and speechifyin' voice and
TELL US WHAT YOUR CATEGORY IS, AND
GIVE US THAT WONDERFUL SPEECH.
We'll even go you one better than the Oscars...there is no blinking red light to signal "TIME'S UP!". No orchestra music will suddenly drown you out. You can thank everyone you really want to thank.
You're on, sweetheart.
NOTE TO SELF: Stop hanging around the Doctors' Office so much, you're starting to refer to yourself in the plural.