I love you, you love me, we're a happy family...

Couple things.
The BAD news: I have been flat-on-my-back-dog-ass-sick for the last three days. I finally got up today, as I have an irrational fear of getting bedsores. *shudder*
The WORSE news: My computer evidently has a virus still skulking around inside it somewhere, hiding, and it doesn't want to come into the light.
The WORST news: My hard drive is going to have to be completely wiped. Gah.

---

RANDOMIZATION:
I went to try to catch up with the Scavenger Hunt over at Michele's Place, and I can't even figure out which clue is for my blog. I blame it on the NyQuil.

As a mom, I am naturally quite observant. My observations this weekend inspired the following...

AKA_MONTY'S GROSS OUT HAIKU OF THE DAY

Booger on the end
of a finger, so sticky;
Can't flick it off? SNACK!


Yeah, don't gag like you've never done it.

When I had the honour of being the Site of the Day, one person commented about my blog: "It's all over the place, but I like it."
I think that is an accurate summation of my life. ;)

NOW, ON WITH THE SHOW! (The Daily Bitch, that is)

---

Recently I had occasion to dine with some friends of mine, and some friends of theirs. All couples (save li'l ol' me), and all of us parents.
Somehow, some way, the conversation turned to children's TV programming. Quite naturally, that led us to that most-hated of all villains, that giant purple dino named Barney.
O Loathsome Creature! they cried. We Do NOT permit our youngsters to watch BARNEY!
Why? Well, let me just clue you in to some of the messages that vile scoundrel is imparting to our kids' impressionable young minds!!!
Manners
Sharing
Taking turns
Safety
Good Dental Hygiene
Acceptance of others, regardless of disability or race.

Heaven forfend!
There oughtta be a law!!

I think it's become the "IN" thing to hate Barney. Funny thing is, no one can give me a good reason to dislike him so..."He's STUPID!" they say, without fail. "He's annoying!"
Why is that? Because you feel as though a big fake dino could be a better role model than you? Got a guilty conscience??? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?!?
He probably does seem a little annoying to you...but then again, you're not a first grader, are you?

Tell me...is there something fundamentally stupid about your children learning good values at an early age? When they're most likely to be affected by it?
OH, but wait, yeah, you're the one who's 7 year old daughter already has bleached blonde hair, who already knows how to tell Wal-Mart clothing from The Gap or Old Navy (I actually KNOW this person).
So you're right, maybe Barney doesn't offer the right value set for your youngster. Maybe that's why you hate him so much.

Sorry, but I ride a horse of a different color. Barney, Sesame Street, and Mr. Rogers (R.I.P., Fred) are in our daily lineup. And without bias, without prejudice, and in the words of many acquaintances & friends...my daughter is the most mannerly child they've ever met. Thoughtful, too.

But you know, all those Barney-Haters may have a point.
Perhaps my children should've spent their time watching superbly wholesome and educational shows like ElimiDate. Or The Osbournes. Maybe a little Jerry Springer.

Yeah, that's the ticket.

Today, class, a philosophy lesson.

I actually had nothing much of interest to say today...okay, actually I do, but owing to time constraints I will have to save it for another day.
ANYWAY.
I decided to share with you the song that I woke up with this morning. In my head, I mean, not on the radio. Could have something to do with the fact that I watched some of my favorite Monty Python sketches last night.

Ready? Now raise those beer mugs up high, and sing along!
Monty is nothing if not educational.

---

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant
who was very rarely stable

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
who could think you under the table

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach 'ya
'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed...

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
after half a pint of shandy was particularly ill

Plato, they say, could stick it away,
half a crate of whiskey every day!

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his Dram...

And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart~
"I drink, therefore I am"

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

Thank you and good night!
**DISCLAIMER: as I typed this from memory, any misspellings or errors are solely the fault of this author

(aka_monty has left the building)

A quick HEY HOWDY HEY to my friends and neighbors

The darkest of times is made marginally more bearable when you're having a really good hair day.~~aka_monty

Ain't THAT the truth.

Should have some word on my silly ol' puter in a few days...it is now all in the hands of the professionals. I have a picture in my head of the computer doc walking out to me in a waiting room, his scrubs all covered in ink, grease, and metal chips, with a terribly grave look on his face.
"I'm sorry, there was nothing we could do. We were too late."

*sob*

ANYHOO. Out of the doldrums.

Sometimes I feel like everyone else is an 'extra' in that long running hit movie, The World According to Shannon (oh, SHANNON=ME, for those of you not in the know).
I don't mean that in a bad way...it's sort of like the guy in the red shirt on the old Star Trek series (yep, I'm a trekkie...*sigh*). Y'know, the guy that you see for the first time EVER as they beam down to the planet, and you just know that you're never going to see him again...he'll be the first one eaten by the monster, heroically saving the Captain's (or Spock's, or Bones', or Scotty's) life in the process.

What I mean is, there are SO many people who have touched my life in so many ways, albeit fleetingly. Some of them I wish had settled in for the long haul. Did you ever think about them, those people who flit into your life, and then flit out just as quickly? Leaving behind an almost-memory...more a feeling, I guess. I was thinking about that today. People who've helped me for nothing in return, with nothing to gain. Who've been good to me for no particular reason. Given me a smile on the street when I was in the middle of a bad day.

It made me realize how often I have relied upon the kindness of strangers.

And how very often those strangers have come through for me, in one way or another.

Then it occurred to me that I want that. To be...remembered, I guess I mean. Oh, not for any philanthropy, or martyrdom, or good deeds, necessarily...just for warmth, maybe. I want to leave that feeling behind.

Gah, that sounds a bit selfish and self-centered, dunnit? But I don't mean for it to.
I don't want to be forgotten. So, if by some chance I've ever done a nice or decent thing for you...give me a fond thought every so often, would you? Thanks. I'll do the same for you.

---

Now, on another note...
My poor little guy is sick today, and had to stay home from school. SO...
I let my daughter walk to school by herself for the first time.

Does it make me overprotective that I had her call me when she got to school so I'd know she made it okay?

Life in the Express Lane

~~15 Items Or Less~~

HEY YOU~ Yeah, you there, with the 25 or so items in your shopping cart. I'm talkin' to you.
You were in front of me last night at the grocery store...and boy o boy, was I pissed.
Really.

Were you the child left behind? Did they neglect to teach you in grade school that 30 does NOT equal 15? Or did you just think that perhaps no-one would notice? Perhaps you never learned to read. Is that it? Were you suddenly stricken by a case of inflammatory illiteracy? Those two big signs hanging over the EXPRESS LANE meant nothing to you? Or were you just focused on the fact that it was only short line and you were in a hurry?
Guess what...I was in a hurry too.

Did you ever stop to think WHY Express Lanes were invented? I'll tell you. It was so that some poor schlub (aka-me) who just needed to grab a half-gallon of milk and a pack of gum on the way home from work could get in and out quickly, without waiting behind a person who had $210 worth of potato chips and beer.

Did you ever bother to think about me and my 2 little items, behind you and your 30-ish items? Or the little old lady behind me with 11 items, the one that I raced to the Express Checkout Lane and pushed down when she started gaining on me? HMMMMM??!!?? Didja ever think about US?
Hey, she recovered from her 'fall'...and we struck up a friendship in fact whilst we had to wait for YOU and all your ILLEGAL items to go through the lane.
We glared at you in concert, and made our overloud remarks about how we guess some people just never learned to count. Or that perhaps you were counting in a foreign language, and FIFTEEN meant something entirely different for you.

THEN, just to make things more interesting, you decided to use about 65 coupons (ooo, and it was DOUBLE coupon day, too!), pay half with a blank check (as you hadn't got your new, imprinted ones from the bank yet) and half with cash...all in one dollar bills.

Fun fun.

Now, I don't have a problem with how you pay, normally, but you turned the Express Lane (15 Items or LESS!) into a little slice of hell. So, thanks for that.
And I believe I speak for the other 20 people who managed to line up behind my new friend, Little Old Lady That I Pushed Down. And we all waited...and waited...and waited...and wai.......

My milk had passed the expiration date and curdled by the time I made it to the checker.


[/rant]


**Side Note: Watching TV this morning, I heard this~
"DARCY'S WILD LIFE, from the producers of Lizzie McGuire..."

After watching for a few minutes, I wondered why they didn't just call it "Another Snotty, Overprivileged WASP-y Bleached Blonde Girl Turning Misadventure Into Juvenile Hijinks On Another Banal TV Show"

But I guess that would be too much to ask said juveniles to read & comprehend, wouldn't it?

AKA_MONTY ON...

...ILLITERACY:

Found this in an IM archive...see, I normally stay invisible when I have my messenger on (except for NOW, with no computer, I almost wish to get some more random IMs! *sigh*), because of all the mullet-wearing psycho freaks out there who send IMs beginning with "Hay sexy thang, a/s/l?" or "U r cute got nemore pics?".
Boo.

N E WAY (yuk yuk), this is one of my all time favorites. In the course of a desultory chat, I asked the offender "So, what do you do for a living?" and this was the reply:

hope i dont scare u I am a male stir kinding a truck driver

What in the HELL?!
I actually had to have one of my male friends translate that for me.
POP QUIZ: D'you know what it means??

---

...PERSONAL ADS:
Having used the online personal ads myself (shut up, I'm not ashamed to admit it), I've discovered that people are SUCH liars. In my archives you'll find a whole rant about that...special emphasis on men lying about their height and women lying about their weight.
SO.
I've decided that if I should create a new personal ad, I'm going to be honest. I mean totally, completely, unequivocally honest. I wonder how many responses I'd get to this:

Divorced mother of 9 year old twins, exhausted from doing everything myself. Work full time at a thankless, unglamorous job. Don't care much for the public at this point in my life. Need a break, need some romance, need pampering. I'm a lousy housekeeper; I've usually got a sink full of dirty dishes, and I'm too lazy to care much.
Frequently moody and temperamental. Intolerant of ignorance and excuses. Pushy, bossy, and not willing to go out of my way to make any of you idiot men happy at this point in my life. Take me as I am, or go away. You can effing work on making ME happy.
If you're under 30, over 45, or married (this includes being SEPARATED), DON'T FUCKING BOTHER~~I will not respond to you. If you suffer from 'chronic lateness', I will not respond to you. Timeliness is next to Godliness.
If you're really ugly (like SCARY ugly), I probably won't respond to you then either unless you've got somethin' REALLY extra-special to say on your profile.
If you use any form of chatspeak, I will not respond. If you think 'cuddlen' is the correct way to spell CUDDLING, I will not respond. In fact, if you have more than 3 misspellings in your profile, I will not respond.
If your profile is dull, uninformative, or stupid, or makes any reference to SEX at all, I will not respond.
Have I just eliminated 98% of you? Ask me if I care. You stupid bastards are more trouble than you're worth anyway.
So...piss off.

I'll bet there's some sicko out there who'll STILL send a response.

---

...RELIGION:

Funny fact: Almost all my online friends (the ones I know in depth) from the UK and Canada are atheists...or at the very least agnostics.
NONE of my offline (ie 'real world') friends here in the US of A are atheists or agnostics.
That's sort of interesting to me. Either way is okay, it's just interesting.
So I have a few questions...
(now lookit, I'm not being snarky, I really want to know)
For the non-believers: if all life was created from a vat of primordial soup, how did EVERYTHING become so different? What I mean to say is how could a blade of grass or a grain of sand come from the same place as beings with thinking, reasoning brains? And functioning vocal cords? And everything that works the way it is supposed to, no matter what form of life we're talking about?
And for the evolutionaries...why aren't we evolving into something else, as humans, if we evolved from apes? I mean, why haven't some of us, perhaps being 'quick-evolutioners', started showing different features? And why aren't there thousands upon thousands of (tribes? families? pods? groups?) of apes out there who were late-bloomers and who now look like cro-magnon man? Is that where the Bigfoot rumors & sightings come into play?


And for the believers (of which I am one)...when were the dinosaurs? I admit, I have NOT done a lot of bible study, but I have questions. The dinosaurs. When were they? And as there is fossilized evidence of man-beings...where did they come in? Where were the caveman types in the Bible?

I'm just axin'.

---

...THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE:
I am eternally grateful that I didn't have to learn English as a second-language.

Why did someone use the same base word for two totally different things? Like "SANGUINE" as it relates to a personality trait and "SANGUINATION" as it relates to (ick) blood?

What's up with CONtent and conTENT?

What's the difference between "furthest" and "farthest"? And how do you measure that difference? ;)

What exactly does "pure-dee" mean? Like, "It was a pure-dee coincidence." HMMMM???

The "I"s have it~~I wonder why so many allegedly 'educated' people use the word "I" incorrectly? Is it because we've had it drilled into our heads from youngsterhood that we should say "I" instead of "me"? Hearing this on television really burns my ass, much like a flame about 3 feet high:
"We went to him and I's place..."
"Bob and I's date went well..."
"They shared he and I's dinner..."

What's even worse: when one half of the couple says it correctly, and the other half (sorry girls, it's usually the woman) corrects him. Incorrectly, as it were.

---

...CRAPEGORICAL MISCELLANY:
Guaranteed to offend someone or 'nother. Oh well.

I would like to invent a StairMaster that simulated walking down the stairs.

I wonder if anesthesiologists would mind being referred to as 'gas-passers'?

Self-importance is first cousin to paranoia.


Other people's words that I wish I'd've said first:

Punditry is nothing more than fatuous prigs reciting the same nonsense so many times that they come to believe it.

Some people see the donut, some see the hole.

No good deed goes unpunished.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

You can get straight A's and still flunk life.

---

And that concludes today's session of "AKA_MONTY ON..."
Thank you and goodnight.

Well shuck my drawers & call me nekkid! (as we say in OkieLand)

I never thought I'd see the day.
And a happy day it is, to be sure!
I feel like it's Thanksgiving and I just got invited to sit at the grownup's table.

For those of you who showed up early, please excuse the morning breath & ratty hair. Oh, and please pretend you don't see the big hole in the seat of my pjs. They're comfy.
Now if you'll just scooch over a bit so I can get to my coffeepot...otherwise I can't be held accountable for my actions. Mugs are in the cabinet above the sink, if you'd like to join me.

"Spreading the love, one blog at a time."

TO ALL OF MICHELE'S FRIENDS: Welcome! Pay no attention to the piles of paper scattered about; as I've no computer at present, I'm forced to do things the old fashioned way and actually write my thoughts down. Yes, with actual pens and paper. It's like the bloody Dark Ages in here.
No matter, I'm glad to have you. Tea and scones will be served at tea-time. Not to be confused with Tee-time, Tiger.

I certainly hope you enjoy your stay, & do stick around long enough for cocktail hour.

Oh, and comments here are not only always welcome, but also strongly encouraged. What would life be without another POV?

TO MICHELE: Thank you so very much for the inclusion into this wonderful club. Did you ever know that you're my hero?

**note to self~~do NOT put off the thank-you notes like you usually do, slacker.

Brain Soup for the Dysfunctional Soul

I think it could be a bestseller. Really.

"Some people think I'm nuts. I think they WAY underestimate my craziness. ~~aka_monty

AAAAH, here again we sit together, you and me. I've missed you this weekend. Three days without computer access is like a day and a half in hell. Sort of. At least what I imagine Hell could be like.

By the way, Steve, (she said sneeringly), the moniker Naturalblondesmartie is not an oxymoron. You're the only moron I see 'round heah...I can't help it God gave me beauty and brains.

So spake the clownfish: "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

The soup (brain variety) has been simmering on the back burner for a few days...let's have a bowl, 'kay?

My preCOcious girl:

When my daughter was around seven years old, she used to get up early in the morning and turn on PBS (public broadcasting channel) and watch Morning Business Report. Every morning during the week whilst getting ready for school. One day my mother asked her what she learned from watching that program, and my daughter said, "Oh, beef prices, wheat prices, y'know, morning business stuff. You wouldn't understand."

She's already learned the art of subtle snobbery. Wonder where she got that?

When she was about three years old, she still used a pacifier (hey, don't frown at me, the HOSPITAL ICU is the place where she got started on that, when she was under an oxygen hood & she couldn't eat)...ANYWAY, one day she'd set her 'binkie' down on the coffee table so she could have a bite of lunch, and evidently she'd set it in a puddle of...something. After her meal, she picked up the binkie, stuck it in her mouth & immediately pulled it out again. She looked at me, shook the binkie at me, and said, "What the hell is all over this?!"

*sigh*

That's when I figured out I'd better watch what I say.

---

Hey, d'you think I should be concerned that I have to use both hands to squeeze the clippers when I clip my toenails?

---

"You feel betrayed."
"Yes, well, that's one of the unfortunate side effects of betrayal."

That's a favorite line from a favorite 'guilty pleasure'...but more about that subject later.

---

Thought I'd share one of my favorite jokes...well, it was a favorite when I was but a youngster.

A little boy walks into a pet store, looks at the proprieter and says, "Mithter, can I hab some boidseed?"
The proprieter says to the boy, "Learn to say it right and come back again tomorrow."
The next day, the little boy is back and says, "Mithter, can I hab some boidseed?"
Once again the proprieter answers, "Learn to say it correctly and come back again tomorrow."
Sure enough the next day the little boy is back. He looks at the proprietor and says, "Mithter, do you wanna buy a dead boid?"

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

---

One of life's greatest pleasures in wintertime: Flannel sheets and an electric blanket.

---

Honey Nut Cheerios ROCK!

---

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...
...some shitty brain-soup poetry.
**Side effects may include headache, nausea, dyspepsia, polyps, facial tics, uncontrollable screaming, drowsiness, boredom, and in rare cases may cause Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Force of Nature

Growing into enormity
unmanageable
Rushing, roiling
like the blackest sea
Tsunami
wind driven
Bitter water
overflowing the vessel
churning, drowning
White water
spume and foam
restlessly flying
Beaten down
sinking
Into despair's depths.
Shall we drink?

---

You know, I don't talk much about my son...let's remedy that right quick. For those of you who don't know, my kids were born 3 and a half months early (sort of like that Motoki or whatever, who's mom has a blog that I used to read). My son suffered severe bleeding in his head because of it...did I mention that my kids weighed only about a pound each? Teeny tiny tots.
ANYHOO.
He's lucky to be alive, and he is severely disabled. But the good news is, he's the cutest, happiest, sweetest kid ever invented. I'll show you a picture of him at the end of the post. He's just a doll (I'm slipping into 'Mommy Blogdom' again...solly Cholly. I'll keep it brief).
I'm terribly grateful that he IS such a wonderful kid...otherwise I'm not sure I could cope with being a single mother. And my daughter is a GREAT help to me~~we call her "Little Mama". :D
My boy and I have a little ritual every morning...when I put him on the bus for school, I give him a kiss, tell him I love him, and then say, "Be good at school today! Don't start any trouble!"
Then he gives me The Look.
That child has a way of looking at you sideways, out of the corner of his eye...and you just KNOW that mischief is afoot. Then he'll give me the slyest grin you've ever seen...and giggles.
I'm pretty sure that kid has stuff going on in his brain that I'm glad I don't know about.

Aaaaah, here we go:

---

RIGHT THEN! I've got a few more things swirling around in the soup...but I will save those for another day.

And I have to say to one and all...I've MISSED you!

Well hell

"A step forward is a step in the right direction...unless of course you're standing at the edge of a cliff."~aka_monty

HULLO my friends! I have missed you so. Thank you all so much for your sympathy, and for coming to check in with me now & again. I appreciate it~~makes me feel loved (or tolerated, at the very least).
I hate not having a computer (did I mention that already?). You'd think with being forced into 'real' life instead of my online persona, I'd have lots of things stored up to say. I don't. Probably because I haven't had time to touch base with my online friends, and quite frankly, that's where most of my good ideas come from.
SO.

Today's offering is a "MOMMY" sort of thing (don't groan, and stop rolling your damned eyes!). You'll like it. My daughter is funny. So shaddup & read.

---

This is from Christmas time, a story my daughter had to write for class.

My Christmas with Santa

On a chilly Christmas night, I was up in bed waiting for Santa. It was midnight and I was about to fall asleep when all of a sudden I heard a noise. It was the sound of reindeer hooves. I jumped up out of bed and went to my window. OUtside of my window I saw Santa. He came in through the door. He said hi to me, and then he asked me to help him give gifts to everybody. I said yes, but I have to ask my mom first. He said OK, so I went into my mom's room and asked her if I could go. She said it was okay to go with him. So, I went back in the living room and told him she said OK, and he said good. So we went outside and he let me ride on his reindeer, and we delivered all of the gifts to people. When we were done he brought me back home, and for being such a good helper he gave me a Harmonica.
The End.

Rebecca, age 9.

My daughter is so low maintenance, God love her.

---

THIS report had to be written because, why else, she was tattling. *sigh* My daughter sometimes thinks she's the behavior police.

Tattling

Tattling is not nice, and it is wrong to do it all the time. You have to work and not tattle on other people, because if you do, you might get in trouble from your teacher, and she might have to talk with your mom, and then your mom might ground you. That would be no fun for you at all, because no T.V., no computer, no going outside to play with the dogs, and no playing with your friends. Your desk might have to be moved out into the hall, or up by the teacher's desk. Work is more important than tattling.

Rebecca, age 9.

Poor baby! The teacher told her to write down everything she could think of about tattling...and after reading this, I felt sort of like an ogre. BUT, at least my daughter knows that disobedience brings consequences. Now, if MORE parents taught their kids proper behavior, AND if the teacher insisted on good behavior in class...Becca might not NEED to tattle, eh? Leastways that's what I think. Hmph. So there.

---

For the misogynist in you...a joke.
Q: What is every man's fantasy?
A: To see his girlfriend's body on the cover of Playboy, and his wife's face on a milk carton.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now I must run to Norman's blog, as I have a sick sort of attraction to him. Then I'll visit the rest of you. *smooooch*

I'll send an S.O.S. to the world

Okay, so this whole "no computer" thing SUCKS ASS.
I'm just sayin'.


Saaaaayy...if any of yous guys out theah have more money than you know what to do with, and if your social conscience would be eased by a donation to charity...think of me and weep. Then gimme some fundage toward a new 'puter, if you please.

Like the song says...ain't too proud to beg.

ANYWAY.

I'm just posting a quickie here, so I can run off to all my favorite blogs and catch up in the limited time I've got. Boo urns.

So here's what I've been thinking since we last met:

Ever wonder...

...Why it's called a blow job when there's really no blowing involved?

...Why, in the movies Stuart Little and Stuart Little 2, the humans can understand the speech of the mouse and the bird, but not the cat?

...If I'd been the person who invented scissors, is that what I would've called them?

...Whoever decided that it was socially acceptable to say words like poop, crap, butt, bootie, pee-pee, and son-of-a-gun.....but shit, piss, ass, asshole and motherfucker were swear words? Don't most of 'em mean essentially the same thing, by definition? (okay, with motherfucker being the exception~~I just like that one)

...Why Wile E. Coyote kept buying ACME products, when it was clear that they'd always malfunction?

...Why people complain that today's cartoons & video games are way too violent, but think that old cartoons (where the animals got smashed, blown up, shot in the head, etc) are just fine?


Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

In Memoriam

It is a sad tale I bring you today.
My Computer is...*sniffle*...no more. It has ceased to be. It has departed into the ether and gone on to that great motherboard in the sky.

I'm in mourning for my best friend, that one who was (almost) always there when I needed some online time.

No more will I oh so lovingly and affectionately call him a no-good fucktard, a dirty rat-bastard, or a stupid worthless shitass when he teasingly locks up, boots me off, or puckishly scrambles his circuits just to get a rise out of me.

He finally pushed his pranks too far, and they got out of hand and destroyed my entire program list. I have nothing. NOTHING, I TELL YOU!

Now I go to don his favorite shirt in honour of what we had...the black t-shirt that says "Computers Do It With More Bytes".
I fondly remember receiving it in the mail one day...he had ordered it for me from the internet, using my credit card, without my knowledge or permission, as a surprise for me. Trying to make up for frying the power cord the week before, I suspect. It worked. Now I proudly wear it to prepare for the viewing, which will be held (as requested) at 6pm tonight in my home.

Tea and cookies will be served immediately following.

There will be a short memorial service tomorrow evening for all who want to attend. Please BYOB.

I must also prepare to panhandle on the streets for awhile, to raise money for his replacement. OH, I know, no-one could ever replace him and his faulty memory, his pokey connection speeds...but I'll certainly try to bear up as best I can.

*sigh*

My dearest readers (all two or so of you), please DO check back with me every day or so...as I will be stealing into my neighbor's house under cover of darkness to use their computer when I can.
Luckily, my parents live next door.

I will get with you as soon as possible.

Please take a moment to remember my computer...for all his shortcomings, he at least brought us here together. And for that, I am grateful.

'Tis the season

Once again that time of year is upon us...that time of year when aka_monty must effect a minor(?) personality change and attempt to be *gulp*...pleasant to the customers.

You guessed it: GIRL SCOUT COOKIE TIME. *sigh*
What I don't do for my children, God love 'em.

In an effort to boost sales for my own little Girl Scout (featured below) as door-to-door sales are NOT encouraged anymore, I take the little order form to work, have my GirlScout make a little bread-&-butter sign, and sell sell sell.

Oh, by the way...THIN MINTS, anyone? Order NOW! ;)

Of course, this means being nice to the customers. Sometimes I actually use this as a bargaining tool. One of the few I like, Robert, gains a promise from me every year of ONE WHOLE WEEK of niceness for every box of cookies. But I have to tell ya, if he orders 10 boxes again this year, the deal is so off.

My little joke on them is that when I have to make nice-nice, it is definitely gushy, syrupy, and saccharine.

Today one of my most UN-favorite people was ordering her cookies, and I looked up and bared my teeth in (what I thought) was a fairly good imitation of a smile.

She looked...well, I'd have to say frightened is the word I'm looking for.
But it all worked out okay, because then she added 4 more boxes of cookies to her order.


My Girl Scout (out of uniform! 10 DEMERITS!)

Uh-oh, I feel a tirade coming on! **PLEASE CLEAR THE AREA**

Okay, so I'm somewhat addicted to "Reality" TV (please note the quotation marks). I have no idea why...I expect I'm a closet voyeur of old.
Laugh if you must, say what you will...but still. Don't act like you've never stopped in on one for a quick peek into someone else's life.
(Just like we do every day when reading each other's blogs) *wink wink nudge nudge*

I like Survivor and The Amazing Race...I root for the underdog and poke fun at the most idiotic, and always find someone I love to hate.

I like Fear Factor, because getting grossed out can be fun.

I recently discovered a new one, Nanny911...and I watch this because it makes me realize that I'm not such a bad mommy, after all. Nanny hasn't come to my house, has she? NO WAY, HOOOSAY, as my daughter says. That must mean I'm doing something right! (and to my mind, there's nothing that a swat on the behind wouldn't fix with some of those kiddos)
But that's aWHOLEnother argument.

I used to like the Bachelor...until all the girls started looking the same.
Joe Millionaire was sort of a bust~~the girls were too prissy to muck out a horse stall and I lost all respect for them.

I DO love The Apprentice...mostly to look at The Donald's toupee. Always gets me a-gigglin'. And watching the cutthroat tactics of the players..God save me from ever being that ambitious. ;)

Meet My Folks was pretty cool...I loved to watch 'em sweat during the Polygraph tests. Same with Who Wants To Marry My Dad. (Speaking of which, I have decided to do my own reality tv show starring me & my kids, called "Doesn't ANYBODY Wanna Marry My Mom?!" I think it's a sure-fire hit!)

SO.

Last night, during Prime Time, it suddenly became apparent that even I, "Reality" TV Junkie Extraordinaire, have my standards (ever so low as they may be).

I was surfing through my modest selection of TV channels (no cable nor satellite~~I know, I'm underprivileged), and I happened upon some show called "Who's Your Daddy?"

The premise of the show was that some girl had been given up for adoption at birth, and now was 'choosing' her bio-dad from a selection provided. O DEAR HEAVENS. Luckily, they gave her the right one in the end. *sigh* And even MORE luckily, he was the one she'd already chosen.

Good grief. Sheesh. Jeepers. Cripes.

First of all, the whole idea's just sad and sort of sick-making. Secondly, it seems a little bit cruel to all parties involved. And thirdly (which brings me to the second part of my rant), if I see one more face-lifted botox-injected collagen-plumped face, Ima start sniping. And by that, I don't mean go huntin' some snipe (did that when I was 16. Good times). And I don't mean start nagging, bitching, and complaining (already pretty well accomplished at those; I've been married, thankyaverymuch).

I mean climb up to the tippity-top of the tallest tower/steeple/building/whatever that I can find, armed with a rifle that is equipped with a laser scope. And possibly night-vision.

I mean really. Do these women not see their own faces in the mirror? Do they think that 'Permanent Poker-Face' is attractive?
What have we taught each other, as women, about how to define beauty?
In this author's humble opinion, these expressionless, stiff faces are perfect representations of the three 'V's~~Vacant, Vapid, and Vacuous.

Nothing moves on those faces, Barbie.
I realize I'm not the Beauty Police, but GAH.

It was nearly on level with "The Swan", which I must say I find to be a hideous program. What a lovely message we're giving to our daughters and sisters, eh? Not to mention those of us with low enough self-esteem to buy into the whole con. Get plastic surgery--get to be what you perceive as BEAUTIFUL. Then your life will be filled with happiness and love and singing birds and perfect health and you'll neverever have any problems ever again, say Amen.


Maybe men really do find this plastic portrayal of womanhood attractive.
Show of hands, fellas?

And now the gals. Do you think you'd look better with some augmentation? Would that make you truly happy? And deep, deep inside yourself where your darkest secrets lie...would you really be doing it to feel more attractive for yourself, as so many women claim? Or to be more attractive to the opposite sex? C'mon, you can tell me the real truth. I'll never tell a soul. I promise.

[/tirade]

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I've just only noticed that I use an abnormal amount of alliteration in my entries...what do you suppose that says about me?

Monday Monday. Can't trust THAT day.

So, is it really sad and/or pathetic that the first thing I do upon returning home from work is head for the computer?

I'd really like to know who's stupid idea it was to start a diet AND cut back on the smokes on the same day! Oh, wait...*blush*
Gah. NOT one of my better thoughts, I can tell you.
Whoops. You caught me. I was SUPPOSED to start yestidday...but *sigh*, I figured WHAT THE HELL? It's Sunday. Let me enjoy my weekend.
Damn.

I think my biggest problem is the grazing (yuk-yuk-yuk, save the jokes. MOO freakin' MOO). Y'know, being around food all day, a potato chip here, a cracker there, a taste of chili, a slurp of stew...and so on and so forth.

I did pretty well today. I made a nice salad with grilled chicken and jalapenos. YUM.
(Okay, I realize I'm slipping into the 'boring blog' world now~~on to something else)

I am trying VERY hard not to smoke. I've discarded all ashtrays as well. The worst part is when I'm sitting here at the computer, that's when I just want to light up.

OKAY~~not thinking about it.

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Hey, when a good song comes on the radio, do you ever get up & dance around & sing & pretend you're a backup singer for whomever is singing at the time?

Yeah, me neither. *shifty eyes*

I was just askin'.

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I feel completely witless, and not clever at all today.

So I think I'll stop whilst I'm ahead. Or nearly so.

Please disregard today's post in its entirety, as it has no redeeming value whatsoever.

Quote of the day: "Love means never having to say 'Excuse me' when you fart."

A gush of my own...

I'm seriously in love with Michele. No, not in a same-sex sort of way (which is just fine if that's what you're into), but because she goes out of her way, every single day, to make everyone else feel good. That is a massive undertaking, but she goes about it cheerfully, whistling her way along the path to connect the rest of us together. I have found many, many wonderful blogs thanks to Blogexplosion and Michele. And for that, I am thankful.

Recently, Michele took upon herself a task of monstrous proportions, and offered to give all those who issued a blog-vitation a word or two of praise. Of course, the response was overwhelming, as Michele has loads of friends (a list on which I am proud to have staked a tiny little claim~~I hope).

I scrolled through the kind words she sent to everyone, waiting anxiously with a pounding heart, to see what she had to say about mine. I scrolled veeeeeery slowly through the list, the better with which to extend the feeling of anticipation.
Also I was admiring the sheer volume of adjectives that Michele has at her disposal.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!

I reached mine at last. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the words she gave unto me.

So here it is, set here for posterity's sake:

The Daily Bitch...Subscribe Today: Sometimes the wonderful world of blogging introduces me to someone who fills me with wonder very recently that wonder became known as aka_monty. She is a free spirit and independent thinker who sees things as they should be seen. aka_monty always tells it like it is and is always reassuring. If this woman says it...IT must be so.

All I can say in response is...THANK YOU, MICHELE, FOR SEEING ME.


And that concludes today's meeting of the Mutual Admiration Society. Thank you for your attendance.

A quickie review...

I don't normally 'review' the movies I watch. But today I exercised my woman's perogative, and changed my other mind.

I finally got 'round to watching the movie Love Actually.
Call me a silly, sentimental sap (yes, hard as it is to believe, even I have my moments), but I Actually Love it.

Here are a few of the things I took away from the movie:

Some really great quotes. "C'mon. Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love."

I never realized the intricacies involved in setting up a scene for a porno.

I am still madly in love with Alan Rickman and his beautiful, thick-as-honey voice.

I wouldn't half-mind seeing Hugh Grant as Prime Minister.

If I were a lesbian, I'd do Laura Linney. And probably Emma Thompson as well.

The guy who played Karl(Carl?) was smokin'.

The kid who played Liam Neeson's son was actually an elf. Or perhaps a hobbit in disguise.

It must really suck to be in love with your best friend's spouse.

It pays to learn a foreign language.

Not all Brits have bad teeth. But it's close.

This is now in my top 5 favorite sappy romantic movies, second only to Sense & Sensibility. (Coincidence that many of the stars are the same?)

I think I'm a closet Anglophile.

If I put on a British accent, I'd probably get laid a lot more.

Oh for crap's sake

"The world is my oyster...and I can't get the damned thing open."~~aka_monty

Let me get this out of the way first: HAPPY NEW YEAR, FELLOW BLOGGERS!

So another year begun. And a good piece of advice came to my eye today: Begin as you mean to go on. Nice sentiment=not always easy to follow.

ANYHOO.

I have resolved this year to NOT make any New Year's Resolutions. Instead, I have opted for New Year's Suggestions. Guidelines, if you will. Because lets face it kiddies: by the time you get that first taste of Spring Fever in March, those ol' resolutions will be in that tiny back closet of your mind, collecting cobwebs and covered in an inch or so of dust. They will be pre-empted by thoughts of the Easter Bunny, April showers and May flowers, and 4th of July fireworks.
And anyway, you know what they say about the power of suggestion.
So my New Year's Suggestions are as follows:

Cut back on the cancer sticks (yeah, because I'd only be kidding myself if I said "QUIT")
GET ON AFOREMENTIONED DIET. This could possibly take up the whole year, and then some.
Be more generous of heart and mind (this could be a problem for me, but I'm willin' to give it the ol' college try)
Stick to being a smartass (because it works pretty well for me. Well, mostly)
Offer forgiveness for past hurts (as many of these were most probably accidental, I'll try to let 'em go. Except for the really mean ones)

Maybe I'll think of some more once the hangover has run its course. Let us pray.

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It only took one glance in the mirror this morning to remind me why I am single. And it can be summed up in one word:
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!
(and I finally had to cave on the pit-shaving; evidently the deodorant wasn't actually reaching the skin)
Okay, just kiddin'.

I really didn't shave at all.
*snortle*